


In His Shoes

by Holly_Spell



Series: Writing Prompts [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Anxiety, Break Up, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Panic Attacks, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-06
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-29 16:19:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 39,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7691302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Holly_Spell/pseuds/Holly_Spell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Soulmate!AU</p><p>In a world where for one day, and one day only, soulmates switch bodies and are expected to find one another if they so choose. John and Alex switch bodies and try in vain to find each other!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I don't know where I am...

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!~
> 
> This fic was inspired by a post I saw on Pinterest that has now been deleted :( I am very excited to see where it goes!

***JOHN’S POV***

         John woke up with a start. He rose his head and noticed that he was asleep on top of his computer. His eyes flitted around the room that he was in and he panicked. There were papers everywhere that had writing scrawled every which way in handwriting that was definitely not his. He took a deep breath. Today must have been the day that he and his soulmate switched bodies. John’s heart leapt in his chest.

        As he looked around the room, he noticed the catastrophic mess that it was. Papers and journals were strewn around the room like leaves in the fall. It seemed that there was some sort of rhyme and reason to the madness, as there were post-it notes on every pile. John gingerly got up and walked carefully around the piles of papers attempting to avoid knocking one pile down. He looked down at the neatly made bed that looked as if it had not been slept on in days. There was not a wrinkle in the emerald sheets. John walked out of the door and made his way to the bathroom.

         He was both eager and terrified to see what his soulmate looked like. John was worried that his soulmate would not find him attractive enough. He flipped on the lights and his heart jumped for a split second before he truly saw his face. The first glimpse of himself that he had seen was his soulmate’s hair, which was the cause for panic. It was long and brushed his shoulders. John had known that he was gay ever since high school when he had made out with his long time friend Lafayette one late night for fun. They had remained friends through the rest of high school and shared an apartment in Boston with a friend that John had met in college named Hercules. At the first glimpse of long hair, John’s mind jumped to the conclusion that he was in a girl’s body. But upon closer inspection, he noticed the small amount of scruff that sat on his chin. It took John’s breath away. He was relieved that he was not in a woman’s body. He was also star-struck. The man’s body was absolutely stunning. He had long, dark hair that was straight as an arrow, something John was not used to. His eyes were the colour of dark coffee.

         God, John could stare into those eyes for the rest of eternity. John also noticed that there were heavy bags underneath his soulmate’s eyes. John shook his head. This man could not be any older than he was himself, but he looked drawn out and tired, and John fed off of that. He decided to go back to the room and take a quick nap to take care of the body of the man that John already loved. Before laying down, John realized that he did not know his soulmate’s name, which was something he probably should have known. He sifted through a few of the papers that were in the pile closest to him before he realized that they were all scholarly articles written by professors at a mix of universities. John sighed. He needed a name before he could have any hope of sleeping. He looked for anything and everything that could potentially have a name on it. He searched for about an hour until he gave up.

 _How in hell am I supposed to find out anything about you?_ John thought to himself. He had resorted to sitting on the ground twenty minutes prior to giving up. He dragged his hands over his face and let out another sigh. His eyes darted about the room and then landed on the computer. John smacked himself.

      “Of course” he whispered. He sat back down in the desk that he had woken up in earlier and jetted his finger across the touchpad to jar the computer awake.

      “Please don’t have a password. Please don’t have a password. Please don’t have a password,” John chanted to himself quietly as the computer slowly woke up. He let out a sigh of relief when the computer immediately opened to a 30 paged paper. John laughed to himself. It looked like a college paper, and John hoped to every god known to man that it was in MLA format so that he would be able to get a name. He held his breath and he scrolled to the top. His eyes jerked around the top sleepily before he registered that there was a name in the top left corner.

      “Thank god for MLA format,” John said to himself. He laughed at his thankfulness to a design that he had so emphatically hated all throughout high school. He saw the name and grinned. Alexander Hamilton was typed neatly at the top of the page. John liked the sound of it. It was new. And there were plenty of nicknames that could go along with it. John could now rest easy knowing the name of the man who he would spend the rest of his days on Earth with. He lay down on the bed and closed his eyes, but not before saying “rest easy Alexander.”


	2. Lost in Character

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now we see how our good friend Alexander is doing in his soulmate's body. WE also see a small bit of Lafayette/Hercules action...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> I am so glad that people have begun to read this! I also want to let you all know, that once school begins in a few weeks, updates will be much slower due to my busy school schedule. But never fear! I will try to update at least every other week as long as my brain doesn't go into writer's block!
> 
> Enjoy!~

***ALEX’S POV***

       Alex slowly woke up that morning, the late morning light hitting his eyelids. He shoved his head into a pillow and pulled the blankets up higher. Alex knew fully well that he was in his soulmate’s body. He knew that he had fallen asleep on his desk trying to finish a paper for his research class. He also knew for a fact that his room was not as clean as this room. Alexander’s room has scientific journals and papers sorted neatly on the ground of his room. But this room was immaculate. Nothing was on the hardwood floors except for a large turtle shaped rug. Alexander smiled. He got up and grabbed the phone that was lying facedown on the desk by the window. He opened it and swore quietly.

     “The the _fuck_ locks their phone?” He whispered, rolling his eyes.  Alexander could hear rustling in the room next to him and came to the conclusion that this man definitely had at least one roommate.

    “John?” a thickly accented voice called quietly. Alex cleared his throat

    “Um...Yes?” he said back. He wasn’t sure what to say. He had no idea how this man talked. However, he did know that he was already in love with the raspy sound of his morning voice. It sounded like how coffee on a cold winter morning feels. Hearing it sounded like the warmth of a hug, not that Alex would really know what a friendly hug felt like, but he could imagine. Alexander looked in the full length mirror that was attached to the door of the closet and drank in John’s appearance. Alex wanted to burn the memory into the back of his own eyelids. He wanted to never forget what the man in front of him looked like. His hair was thrown back in a messy pony tail. Curly brown hair coiled around his ears and surrounded his forehead in a frizzy halo, which was fitting seeing that Alexander could tell that this man was an angel that had fallen from heaven. John’s eyes were the colour of coffee after Alex poured in a small bit of cream. They seemed to swirl and hypnotize Alex. He didn’t want to look away. He carefully inspected John’s face and noticed the freckles that covered it. They were like galaxies that had landed themselves gently upon his face. It was as if the universe had kissed the face of Alex’s soulmate and planted each and every constellation upon it. The man was beautiful. As he turned away from the mirror, the sleeve of one of his pyjamas rode up, revealing beautiful drawings of turtles. The man was talented.

    “John?? Are you coming for breakfast?” the thickly accented voice yelled. Alex’s stomach rumbled. And he laughed.

    “Yes. Be there in a second,” he yelled back. He quickly moved out of the bedroom and walked to the kitchen. The flat had a similar feel to it as Alexander’s did. When he walked into the kitchen, Alex was surprised by a tall, thin man with a lion’s mane of hair leaning into an even taller man. The taller man looked as if he could snap the smaller one in half. His hair was cropped short and he was possibly the most built man that Alexander had ever seen. The shorter one was murmuring some very explicit words in French into the ear of the stronger one. Alex cleared his throat. The smaller man jumped.

    “John! I didn't think you would get here so quickly!” The frenchman exclaimed. Alex laughed, but it seemed odd, and it seemed as if the other two noticed as well.

    “Is something wrong _mon ami_?” the frenchman said.

    “Laf. Leave him alone. He just woke up,” said the taller one. The frenchman, Laf, didn't seem to buy it, but shrugged anyway. For this, Alexander was thankful. He wasn’t quite sure what to do. He didn’t know whether to tell the two roommates that he was not John, or if he should just play along. Alex decided upon the latter for now, perhaps later in the day he would tell them. But at the moment, they seemed much too caught up in each other than whatever was going on with “John”. Laf flipped pancakes lazily onto a plate and slid the plate across the counter all while sending loving looks towards the taller man, who he had yet to learn the name of. It was obvious that they had not yet told John that they were soulmates quite yet. Alex quietly ate his pancakes and observed Laf, who he quickley learned was named Lafayette, and Hercules. He quickly found this out from the murmurings that he could hear coming from the other side of the kitchen. He watched them brush hands and then jump back as if they had been shocked with electricity. He saw the way that they looked at each other with complete and utter love in their eyes. It was like watching the moon orbit the Earth. It was beautiful, but painful at the same time.

_What if he doesn’t love me the same? What if I am not good enough for him?_

Alex thought. He finished his breakfast and got up to put the dish in the sink and then leave. He was met instead with a glaring frenchman standing in front of him with his arms crossed.

    “Who are you?” He said. It was not in an unkind manner, but nor was it the friendly tone that he had heard while Lafayette spoke with Hercules.

    “I’m John. You know. Your friend? Who lives with you?” Alex said. He was attempting to crack a joke, but it had obviously fell flat.

    “ _Non_ . I asked who you **_were._ ** **”** The frenchman said again.

    “Laf...” Hercules said, placing a hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder. Lafayette shrugged it off, his brown eyes glinting with anger as well as a small bit of curiosity.

    “I will ask one more time. _Who. Are. You.”_ he said quietly, but Alex could tell that there was anger bubbling under the quiet surface. Alex took a deep breath.

    “I’m Alexander Hamilton. I’m John’s soulmate,” Alex said, looking up fiercely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey again!~
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> I just want you to know that I really appreciate every hit, kudo, and comment that you leave me!
> 
> Have a wonderful rest of your day!!


	3. Well this is Interesting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now we go back to John and see how he is faring, especially when an unexpected visitor arrives

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!~
> 
> 1\. I am so sorry for my crappy summaries.  
> 2\. I am not sure how much I will be updating after school starts. My writer's brain has a tendency to turn off during the school year. Sorry! :(
> 
> Enjoy!~

     John awoke slowly from his nap and immediately felt refreshed. He realized that he had not had breakfast yet, which was very much necessary. He walked into the kitchen and started foraging. It became quite apparent that Alex did not eat much. All that John could find was a loaf of bread, peanut butter, and four bags of coffee. This man apparently really loved his coffee. At this moment, John realized how Alexander’s cloths were much too big on him. The sweatpants he was wearing were falling off of his hips and he was swimming in the tee-shirt. John made himself toast and brewed himself some coffee. He held the mug in his hands and let the warmth wake his senses up. The toast pops up and he spreads peanut butter on it and starts munching. For the whole day, John just stayed in the apartment, trying to get to know him better. He quickly figured out that Hamilton was most definitely a Ravenclaw, as if the books strewn about the floors had not given him that clue. He also figured out that Alexander’s way of reminding himself to do something were post-it notes. They were everywhere. One on the computer to remind him to text a girl named Eliza. Another reminded him to email back a man named Washington, who John assumed to be his professor. He learned that Alexander was a law student and seemed to be kicking some serious ass at it. One post-it note really made John laugh. It was a reminder to not fight  _ too much _ with some man named Jefferson. John decided to take a cue from Alexander and started to write down things on a Post-It pad to remind Alexander to do certain things, such a clean out the coffee maker every morning and to get groceries. He also put his phone number up everywhere. In every place imagined. On Alexander’s computer, on his mousepad, on the fridge, on the mirror, as well as every single coffee mug that Alexander seemed to own. He didn’t want him to miss it. He also put his address up in a few places as well. John had a small hope that perhaps Alexander would arrive at his doorstep like some romantic movie scene. He spent the next hour organizing Alexander’s apartment to keep himself busy. At around 3 in the afternoon, John heard a key unlock the door and the turning of the knob. He was still inside Alexander’s room, so he could not see who was entering.

   “Alexander?” a soft, feminine voice called out.

   “Yes?” John called out uneasily. He hoped and prayed that this was not a girlfriend. He slowly walked out of Alex’s bedroom. The source of the voice was standing in the kitchen. She was practically glowing. She had long brown hair that practically sparkled under the kitchen lights. Her smile had more watts than a Broadway stage light and she was just sitting on the counter of Alex’s kitchen. 

   “I brought the groceries,” she said, hopping off of the counter. 

   “Aww. You didn’t have to do that,” John said nervously. 

   “Alex. I always get the groceries. You know that,” the woman said, concerned. John let out a nervous laugh. The woman looked at him with the same look a mother gives her child when they show any sign of sickness. John bowed his head. He didn’t know what to say to her. He didn’t want to hurt her feelings if she were Alex’s girlfriend.

   “Oh. Um... Yeah... I am so sorry. I totally forgot,” John mumbled. The woman gave a smile. 

   “I am sure you didn’t get too much sleep last night. Shall we go out for coffee?” She asked. John nodded.

   “Let me get changed and then we can go,” John said. She nodded and began putting the groceries into the fridge. John rushed into Alex’s room. He began searching for anything that would tell him who this girl was. 

“Please have  post-it about this.  **_Please have a post-it”_ ** John begs quietly. As he looked around, he started to notice things. There was a picture of Alexander and the girl crammed into the edge of Alexander’s computer screen. John’s heart deflated. Alexander probably didn’t know that he liked men. Alexander was probably shocked that he was in John’s body. Even worse, Alexander had a girlfriend who he probably loved. A woman who he took long walks with. A woman who he probably kissed while the snow was falling lightly. A woman who was willing to remind her boyfriend to eat and use her own money to pay for Alexander’s groceries. She was a beautiful human being, both inside and out. John looked around the closet. He had no idea what Alexander normally wore, but he figured it was just coffee,nothing too fancy. He grabbed a Columbia sweatshirt and shoved himself into a pair of jeans. John threw Alexander’s hair into a small bun and considered himself good. John kept reminding himself that it was just coffee. A small voice in his head said that this may not be a girlfriend. That this may indeed just be a friend. A friend who cares very much. A friend who brought groceries. A friend who just happened to be a very pretty woman. As John was thinking this, his eyes landed on a post-it.    _ Eliza is bringing groceries on Monday.  _ Eliza was this woman’s name. John found a wallet sitting on the desk and grabbed it. 

   “Alex? You ready?” Eliza called. John scrambled for a pair of shoes. 

   “Um...Yeah?” John called out. He was nervous. He had no idea how Alexander acted around Eliza. 

   “Alex...?” Aliza called. John could hear her walking around. Panic struck John right in the chest. She was going to find his post-it notes. John could hear Eliza talking in the distance, but John was panicking. He had no idea what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!~
> 
> I really hope that you liked this! I am thinking about adding some angst when John and ALex meet, but I am not quite sure. We shall see soon enough! ;) I am also going to keep going back and forth between the two POVs until probably when they meet! 
> 
> Have a wonderful day!!


	4. It's Never Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander gets caught off-guard by John's friends and has a few angsty moments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! Another chapter?  
> HECK YEAH
> 
> Sorry. I wrote this chapter last night and I couldn't resist posting it. I am also hoping that it may help with my writer's block...
> 
> ENJOY!!

*ALEX’S POV*

 

Lafayette’s face broke out into a smile. Hercules just raised an eyebrow. Alex shifted nervously. 

   “Alexander Hamilton?” Hercules said. Alex nodded. 

   “It is so nice to finally meet you,” Lafayette said in an enthusiastic, heavily accented voice. Hercules still seemed unamused. 

   “Alexander Hamilton,” Hercules said again. Alexander nodded again. 

   “Yes  _ mon cher _ ,” Lafayette said, moving closer to the larger man. Alexander looked at Hercules and sized him up. He was a good six feet tall, if not taller. He looked like he could squish ALexander’s small 5’7” frame with just a small hug. 

   “As in  _ the  _ Alexander Hamilton?” Hercules said. Alexander slumped a bit. As a lawyer at Washington & Lee Law Firm, Alexander was in the spotlight a lot. Every little move was covered by the news, seeing that Alexander was one of the youngest lawyers in history (only beaten by one Aaron Burr) as well as working at one of the biggest law firms in New York. The law firm had covered many famous cases, including Roe vs. Wade, which they had won. But nevertheless, Alexander was always being followed. At the young age of 24, Alexander was still acting his age, but was in the spotlight all of the time. 

   Every relationship and breakup was plastered upon the tabloids. Every mistake he had made was covered by the media. Every first kiss, every fight, and Alexander knew exactly what Hercules was not impressed by. His relationship with Elizabeth Schuyler had been rocky. They had started dating while Alex was in his second year of law school, and they had been on again/off again for quite some time. Alexander had made quite a few mistakes with their relationship. He had drunkenly made out with a woman in a club when he was upset at Eliza. The press, of course, had a field day with this. 

   Pictures had been taken by somebody, and they were plastered everywhere by morning. After that, he and Eliza had decided that it was probably best not to be in a romantic relationship. After being angry and hurt for a while, they slowly moved into a platonic relationship. Eliza took care of Alex. She made Alex sleep during the day as well as eat and be a functional human being. But Alex knew that Hercules didn't know all of this information. Hercules only knew what the tabloids had said about Alex, most of which were negative.

   “Yes. Yes I am,” Alexander said with a swallow. Hercules snorted and turned away. Lafayette didn’t seem to know who Alexander was. It was oddly comforting, perhaps John didn’t know who he was either. 

   “ _ Hercules, mon cher, être gentil avec le pauvre homme, _ ” Lafayette said, shooting ALex an apologetic glance before following Hercules. Alex was the one who snorted this time. It wasn’t like he didn’t deserve Hercules’ coldness. Alex was not good at relationships. He was not good at giving up a small piece of himself to another person. He hated being vulnerable. He didn't have many friends in New York. He had a tendency to butt heads with everyone. Alexander had very strong opinions and was not hesitant to  talk (or argue) about them. He probably wasn’t good enough for John. 

   John seemed sweet and nice. He had pictures and drawings of turtles up in his room. All of the pictures John was in around the flat showed him laughing and smiling about something the person behind the camera had said. 

   For just a small moment, Alex allowed himself to imagine John laughing like that around him. Perhaps they would be in the kitchen, John making some sort of breakfast when Alexander would stumble in, excessively tired and grumbling about something that Jefferson had said. John would turn around to look at Alexander and smile. He would say something to the effect of “good morning gorgeous” and Alexander would mumble about how good mornings were just like square circles, they don’t exist. And John would laugh. His eyes would light up and a smile would break onto his face. He would laugh and everything would be perfect. Alexander shook his head. That would never happen. For all he knew, John knew who Alexander was and was completely and utterly disgusted. Alexander hung his head in shame and went to John’s room. Alex did the only thing he could think of. Write.

_    My dear John, _

_    I do not know what I have done to deserve someone like you. I recognize that I may not have been what you have expected, but I shall endeavour to prove to  _ _ you that I am worthy of your trust as well as your heart. I hope that you may soon come to the conclusion that I am one to be trusted, despite what my past may say. _

_ Until we meet again _

__    A. Hamilton _ _

 

   It wasn’t as long as Alexander had wanted it. In fact, it was quite short. The words were not flowing to his brain like normal, and it was frustrating. His one tool was gone. It had taken him hours as well as multiple sheets of paper to get that one paragraph. 

   By the time he had finished, it was already 5pm. Alexander sat on John’s bed and just stared at the wall. His mind eventually went numb. There was perhaps nothing that Alexander could do to convince John that Alexander could be trusted with John’s heart. Alexander decided that he would be fine with that. That, no matter what happened, he would ride it out. With that thought in his mind and the blanket of darkness that had somehow fallen around him like a blanket, Alexander laid his head down upon John’s pillow and went to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mon Cher: my love  
> Hercules, mon cher, être gentil avec le pauvre homme: Hercules, my love, be nice to the poor man
> 
>  
> 
> Hello again!~
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter!! I have a few ideas proceeding from here! I also want all of your guys to know that your comments give me life! So please keep them coming! Also, if you have any constructive critisisms to say, please comment them, I really like hearing other people's opinions on my writing and I am always looking to improve!
> 
> Until next time!


	5. Perhaps Not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now we see how John and his special guest are and how John is faring after Eliza's arrival.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!!!
> 
> Another update! And this one is pretty long (compared to my previous chapters). 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

*JOHN’S POV*

   John left the room and almost walked right into Eliza. Upon being nearly on top of her, John had a nagging sense of familiarity. He felt like he had seen her somewhere. Eliza let out a laugh.

   “Seems like you really do need that large cup of coffee,” Eliza said. All John could think to do was nod. He still had a nagging feeling in the pit of his stomach which made him hesitant to trust Eliza. Eliza pulled John out of the apartment and looped her arm through his. She was chattering on about something to do with her sisters and how they were being ridiculously overprotective. All John could do was nod and agree. He was terrified that if he opened his mouth, he would tell Eliza who he really was.

   John wasn’t quite sure why he was so reluctant to trust Eliza. She seemed nice enough. She was very empathetic and caring. She really seemed to care about Alexander and it was obvious that she was trustworthy. But, for some weird reason, John still had this odd feeling that sat like a block of granite in his stomach. 

   They entered the coffee shop down the road, and John was immediately bombarded by the smell of coffee. It didn’t smell like your typical Starbucks or Caribou. There was the warmth of cinnamon and nutmeg that lay slightly under the scent of freshly brewed coffee. It reminded John of mornings at his house back when his mother was alive. 

   As John and Eliza were standing in line, it suddenly struck him. He realized why Eliza looked so familiar and why he was so hesitant to trust her. She was the daughter of Philip Schuyler who worked as a politician with John’s father. John had seen Eliza so very much all throughout his youth. She was always at rallys with a basket of freshly baked cookies on her arm and her younger sister trailing behind with a tray of hot chocolate or water, depending on the season, for all of the spectators. 

   Eliza had been at every ball and dinner party that John had attended with his father. Eliza always looked so happy and pleased to be at the dinner parties. She was quite the contrast to John. While Eliza would be flitting around speaking with every man, woman, and child, John would be standing stiffly next to his father, not speaking to anyone and trying to look very small. 

   While John was lost in thought, Eliza had already ordered and payed for their drinks. She nudged him to get his attention, and John jumped slightly.

   “What’s going on up there?” Eliza questioned with a smile. John let out a breathy laugh and shrugged.

   “Nothing too interesting,” he said casually, hoping that ELiza would not press him further. Eliza let out a tinkling laugh. 

   “That doesn’t sound like the Alexander I know. Come on, spill the beans,” Eliza said, leaning over the table to get closer to his face. John let out a shaky sigh. He wanted to trust her, he really did. But John was not willing to risk exposure to his father. He was sure that Eliza would tell her father about how her boyfriend’s soulmate was 1. Not her and 2. A man. John was also sure that Mr. Schuyler would tell his close friend Henry Laurens about how coincidently his daughter’s boyfriend’s soulmate was very closely related to Henry. This, was not something that John wanted to happen. Henry was a very well known conservative politician who most definitely  did not think that being gay was okay. 

   Eliza leaned closer to John. 

   “Is it a cute guy?” she whispered. John’s eyes widened. Eliza slowly backed away from John and sat smugly in her chair across the table. John shrugged and sunk lower in his chair.

   “Come  _ on  _ Alexander. I told you when I met Maria,” Eliza said, pouting. John looked down. He didn’t know what to say, but now he knew that Eliza and Alexander were not together. He wanted to tell her everything, but he couldn’t due to her connection with his father. Eliza started giggling and John couldn’t help but join in. 

   “Oh my god. You’re not Alexander,” Eliza said. John’s head shot up and he straightened against is chair.

   “Ahah. What do you mean?” He said nervously.

   “I  _ mean _ , you are his soulmate, right?” She said eagerly. 

_    “Oh god. Nonononononono” _ John thought. He could not have her find out. It was obvious that she and Alexander were quite close, and by default, this meant that Mr. Schuyler probably knew Alexander quite well. Who knew what would happen when Mr. Schuyler found out. 

   “What’s your name? Where are you from?” Eliza said, leaning forward in her chair again. John started trembling. He could not have her find out. 

   “Uh. I have to go. Um, see you later?” John said, rushing out of the coffee shop. As soon as he left, he immediately regretted it due to the fact that he had no idea where he was. He could hear Alexander’s name being called in the back of his mind, but he kept running. John stopped at a street corner and quickly realized that he was lost in the large area commonly known as New York City. He looked around and saw nothing familiar, which wasn’t really a shock seeing that his father had never let him go to New York due to what Henry had called the “large underground homosexual population”. John felt an hand on his shoulder, and he immediately spun around to fight whoever had touched him. To both his relief and chagrin, it was Eliza, standing there looking slightly out of breath. 

   “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you,” she said. John shrugged. It wasn’t her fault that her father worked with his. It wasn’t her fault at all. It was just a coincidence. 

   “It’s fine. It isn’t your fault,” John said, looking down at the ground. 

   “Let’s get you home,” Eliza said, wrapping an arm around John’s waist. It felt oddly comforting to him as they walked towards Alexander’s flat. She walked him up to the door and stood outside, refusing to enter.

   “You can come in if you would like,” John said. She shook her head.

   “Nah. It is pretty late. I wouldn’t want any more rumors to start about us,” she said, backing away from the doorframe. 

   She let out a small laugh and gave a small wave goodbye before turning around and leaving. John let out a small sigh and shut the door. It was quieter inside of the apartment than it was in the coffee shop. The voices in the shop had echoed on the tile floors, but all that could be heard in the flat was the small buzz of the cars beneath him. John heard a knock on the door and opened it, only to be face to face with Eliza again.

   “Oh. Hey,” John said quietly, looking down.

   “You forgot your coffee,” she said, holding the disposable cup out to him with a small smile. 

   “Thanks,” John said, accepting the coffee cup. Eliza stood there quietly for  moment, seemingly judging John’s emotions, and then held out a small paper bag. John raised his eyebrows in surprise.

   “What’s this?” John said, confused about what the bag could be.

   “It’s a peace pastry. My younger sister came up with it a long time ago. I am giving it to you because I feel badly about scaring you. And I don’t want to scare you away, because I really like Alex and I really want him to be happy. And I think you may be his best shot,” she said, breaking eye contact. 

   “Thanks,” John said awkwardly. He wasn’t quite sure what to do. He hadn’t had many people apologize to him, and therefore had become quite bad at receiving apologies. Eliza gently shook the pastry bag.

   “Take it. I swear I didn’t poison it,” Eliza said with a laugh. Her laugh was infectious and John immediately started laughing as well. He gently took the bag and thanked her.

   “See you around Alex’s soulmate,” she said. John grinned.

   “See you around,” John said. She turned around and John watched her walk away,

   Knowing that this would not be the first time he saw her giving him pity pastries, or whatever they were called.  He sat on the kitchen counter and took a sip and then promptly spit it out. 

   “Black?  _ BLACK?!”  _ John said rather loudly. He opened up the pastry bag to find a handful of creamers and sugar packets. He let out a sigh and thanks the gods for Eliza.

   He started eating the pastry, which was a lemon scone, with vigor. He didn’t really realize how hungry he had been. The lemon was tart and bit into his tongue like a dull knife. John didn’t know what to do. He really couldn’t say that he loved Alexander because he didn’t know the man, but John could for sure say that he cared for him. So he didn’t want to cut himself off from him, but he also can’t be with Alexander due to Alexander’s friendship with Eliza. John decided that it was probably best to just go to sleep and wake up in Boston with Laf and Herc and ignore everything that had just happened. He duped his coffee in the sink and went into Alexander’s room.

   John debated taking down his address and phone number, but then decided that he would keep them up, just in case he changed his mind. If Alexander wanted to keep in touch, that would be okay with John.

   John changed into a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt and crawled into Alexander’s bed, hoping that perhaps Laf and Herc had not noticed that Alexander was there instead of him. And that, perhaps, they would not pester him about finding Alexander.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay for a bit of angst!!!
> 
> Just wait my dear friends! There is more to come!!!
> 
> Also: please keep commenting! I love all of your comments, negative or positive! 
> 
> If you see a mistake, please tell me (grammar, sentence structure, spelling etc.) I am not really fully editing this and I don't want anything to be hurting your brains!!
> 
> Have a wonderful day!!


	6. I'm Not Worth It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander has some doubts about how much he deserves John and Eliza comes in just in the nick of time!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!
> 
> Enjoy this installment! 
> 
> Have a great day!

   Alexander woke up slowly. As he opened his eyes, he was greeted by the usual messiness of his room. His apartment was quiet and all that could be heard was the slight buzz of the cars that were zipping about underneath the window in the busy early morning in New York. It was lonely though. There wasn’t the same joy inside of his apartment that there was inside of John’s. John’s apartment had the laughter of two crazy men in it. It had the french music playing at all hours of the day. Alexander’s apartment was quiet. There was no music. No laughter. Alexander used to like the quiet and was perfectly happy to have the quiet engulf him. But now, Alexander was being driven mad by the quiet. It reminded him of how alone he was. 

   There was no breakfast and no concerned roommates. There was no warm and bright light coming into his room due to the fact that it was 6:30am. Alexander cursed in the same of insomnia and loneliness. 

   Alexander sat in the kitchen watching his coffee brew and started to get lost in his thoughts. He thought back to the amount of hatred that had sat in Hercules’ eyes when he found out Alexander’s name. Alexander knew that he would never be enough in the eyes of John’s friends. 

   Alexander got up and doused his face with cold water. He could not have these thoughts. He should be happy that he met his soulmate. He should be happy that he  _ has _ a soulmate. 

   He thought of Eliza when she got back from finding out who her soulmate was. She was elated. Nothing was going to bring her down. Not the fact that Alexander had cheated on her with her soulmate. Nothing. 

   In short, Alexander did not feel this way. For some reason there was a pit of dread in his stomach that was curling its way up through his throat. He hated it. John was such a beautiful human being who had turtles hung up in his room and who had friends who were so in love with each other. John was so sweet. He had pictures of what seemed to have been his siblings up on his walls.

   Alex was the complete opposite. He had one picture of Eliza and him in a photo booth at Aaron Burr’s wedding. His walls were a blank beige colour with nothing adorning them except for post-it notes reminding him to eat and shit. He had books and journals strewn around his room. His house was cold and unwelcoming, not unlike himself. And God, John’s room was light and bright, it was filled to the brim with love and happiness. 

   Alexander put on his headphones, blasted whatever song he had been listening to beforehand, and let himself fall into future tripping which he knew was bad, but Alexander at least wanted to pretend that everything was going to be alright. 

   He imagined John greeting him at the door after a long day of kicking ass in court. He could feel John kiss his forehead. He could hear the light scratchings of a dog scrambling on a hardwood floor. Everything was light and happy. John was laughing about something that their child had said and Alexander could smell dinner on the stove.

   There was so much happiness in Alexander’s imagination that he knew would never ever happen. People like him did not deserve to be happy. People like Alexander were dirty. People like Alexander did not deserve people like John. John was a sunny day, filled with picnics and laughter. Alexander was a storm that was constantly brewing. Charged with electricity and prepared to bring a tidal wave or flood upon the next person who opposed him. 

   Alexander pushed these thoughts out of his mind when the coffee maker beeped. Alexander got up and poured himself a large mug and chugged it, cringing at the bitter taste. 

   He lay on the hardwood floors for a while, music blaring in his ears and just staring at the white ceiling hoping that perhaps by some miracle his flat would become joyful and filled to the brim with happiness. It didn’t. Big surprise.

   The doorbell rang and Alexander imagined that it was probably a Schuyler sister. He also decided that it was probably Eliza due to the fact that his door was still on its hinges and there was no loud knocking or screaming behind the door. 

   Alexander groaned and got up.

   “Coming,” he yelled. He opened the door and the sister in blue practically jumped on him.

   “Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod!” Eliza exclaimed whalst squealing and jumping up and down.

   “Okay. Eliza, my love, I am very excited that you are excited, but I need to know why you are excited for me to be excited for you,” Alexander said, rambling. 

   “You’ve met him!” she practically shouted.

   “Who?” Alexander said.

   “Your soulmate?” She said, looking at him softly. Alexander looked down.

   “Yeah. I didn’t meet him. I do know who he is though,” Alexander said. Eliza smiled.

   “What are you waiting for then? Go get your man,” she said, smiling. Alexander shrugged and Eliza’s face fell.

   “What happened Alex?” she said, putting her hand on his upper arm. He shrugged again. Something just didn’t seem right to him. John didn’t deserve someone like him. John deserved someone who was magical. Someone who could give him the world and would never let him forget that he is loved. 

   Alexander felt like he couldn’t do that. He was dirty. He cheated and he would forever feel guilty for the pain that he had caused Eliza. John didn’t deserve someone as damaged as Alexander. John deserved the male version of Eliza, and god did it break Alexander’s heart.

   “You don’t think you are worthy, do you?” Eliza said, smiling sadly. Alexander tried to avoid her sympathetic gaze. She lightly grabbed his chin and made him look at her.

   “Alexander, you are an amazing man. You write better than the founding fathers. You are one of the kindest people that I know. You are brave. You are incredible. You graduated college in two years and then became a lawyer and work for one of  _ the best  _ law firms in the  _ state _ . That isn’t nothing. This man is worth every second of your time,” Eliza said in a slightly scolding manner. 

   Alexander shrugged and Eliza shook her head. 

   “You’re driving down there. Today. He left his address all around here. Use your phone and  _ get your man _ ,” Eliza said, smoothing out her dress and taking after her older sister by not taking no as an answer. 

   Alexander’s heart leapt and he jumped away from her and ran to his bedroom. He quickly dumped the contents of two of his drawers into his bag and then grabbed a jacket. He quickly zipped his bag and ran out of his door.

   He got to his car and pulled on the door handle. It was locked. He patted his pockets.

   “Shit,” he muttered. “I must have left them inside.” 

   He groaned and quickly ran back to his flat. He swiped the keys from the table by the entryway and blew a kiss to Eliza.

   “Best of women!” Alexander said, just before he exited again. 

   “I know!” she said with a smile, waving her fingers at him. He smiled and ran to his car, unlocked it, and threw his bag into the back. 

   “Alexander wait!” Eliza called out of the window. “What’s his name?”  Alexander looked up.

   “John Laurens,” He called back, grinning. He jumped into his car an drove away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!~
> 
> I am kinda sorry. This chapter isn't my best work, but it took me two weeks to write, so it is going out because, if it doesn't, I won't be able to write my next chapter.
> 
> Please comment!
> 
> Love you!!!!!


	7. Business is for the Lonely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is now in his own bed and has to go to work! *YAY!!*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY Y'ALL
> 
> So, this chapter is kind of based on my time spent as a volunteer at a hospital by my house. For those of you who do not know about Child Family Life, it is an emerging profession in pediatric hospitals where the people who work in CFL explain to peds patients procedures and what is happening to them in a way that they can understand. It is often in medical play such as learning how to insert and IV into a stuffed animal and pretending tht the stuffed animal is sick as well.
> 
> Anyway, ENJOY!!!

    *John POV*

   He woke up on his floor, not super well rested, with two roommates staring at him from above. One angry. One elated. Laf, as one could guess, was practically jumping up and down whalst yammering on in French. Hercules on the other hand, was standing there stoically looking at John with his arm crossed over his broad chest. John groaned.

   “Alexander Hamilton?” Hercules’ voice boomed, cutting through Laf’s french babbling. John sat up slowly. He could tell by Hercules’ face that he was not a happy man.

   “Um... yes?” John said, looking down at the floor. Laf looks at John with concern. 

   “ _ Mon ami, _ please,” Laf said softly, lightly touching Herc’s crossed forearm. Herc relaxed. 

   “Look Laurens, I am just worried about you. He doesn’t exactly have the best track record when it comes to relationships,” Hercules said softly. John slumped and Laf looked like he was about to cry.

   “Crepes anyone?” Laf said loudly, clearly changing the subject. John jumped up and rushed to the kitchen, trying to ignore Lafayette and Hercules’ hushed conversation behind John’s bedroom door. 

   “LAF! I WAS TOLD THERE WERE GOING TO BE CREPES GET OVER HERE YOU BAGUETTE FUCKER!” John screamed across the apartment. Lafayette emerged from the room giggling with Hercules trailing behind.

   “It’s about damn time,” John grumbled. 

   “What was that?” Lafayette said, raising an eyebrow at John and shook his head. John observed Hercules and Laf joke around with each other and smiled to himself. 

   They hadn’t told him yet, but he knew. He knew by the glances that they gave each other when they though John wasn’t looking. He noticed the fact that they had become closer, both emotionally and physically.

   “Crepes are done my children,” Laf said, laughing and sliding a plate across the island in the kitchen.

   “So... when were you going to tell me?” John said, biting into his crepe and looking between Hercules and Lafayette. Hercules raised his eyebrows while Laf blushed and mumbled something in French. John laughed.

   “Come on guys. Did you really think I wouldn’t notice? I am an artist for pete's sake,” John glanced around. “I notice  _ everything _ ” he whispered loudly. Hercules laughed, which truly rattled the plates on the table due to its loud and deep nature. 

   “Pay  _ up  _ Gilbert. I told you he would figure it out,” Hercules said, holding his hand out to Lafayette, who groaned in return.

   “You couldn’t have waited a bit longer John? I was going to tell you tomorrow during dinner,” Lafayette said, pouting. “ _ And  _ I wrote a speech and everything about how this wouldn’t affect our friendship.” 

   John laughed and glanced down at his food. He was exhausted from yesterday, but he had work today. He quickly devoured the rest of his food and ran to his room. He saw a piece of folded white paper on his desk and paused. John opened what looked to be a letter and gasped. He quickly read it and sighed. It was from Alexander. He smiled and started rushing, trying to make up for the five minutes that he spent reading, an rereading, the letter. He threw on a pair of blue scrubs and threw his hair back into a pony tail and ran out of the flat. 

   “John!” Lafayette called out of the door. John turned around and saw Lafayette swinging John’s access badge around. He ran back to get it.

   “Thanks Laf!” He called over his shoulder, running to his car. He started it up and then peeled out of the driveway.

* * *

 

   Luckily, he had a nice shift today. He worked from 12pm to 9pm which, compared to some of his shifts, was actually pretty good for a pediatric specialist. He slammed his car into park in the parking lot and jumped out with keys and his access badge in hand. He quickly walked to the hospital, greeting everyone in his path. He felt a tap on his shoulder and spun around to see Peggy.

   “Ah. If it isn’t my favourite Child Family Life specialist,” John said, looking at the clearly angry woman.

   “You didn't tell me that you met my sister,” Peggy said, glaring at him. John bounced on his toes, itching to go.

   “Walk and talk?” He offered, hoping to possibly get a head start on his rounds. Peggy sighed.

   “John. Why didn’t you tell me,” Peggy said, rushing to keep up with the taller man’s long stride.

   “Ah. Ms. Van Rensselaer, always a pleasure to talk to you, but unfortunately I must go,” John said with a smile, spinning around to swipe his badge and enter the PICU.

   “That’s  _ Doctor _ Van Rensselaer to you Dr. Laurens. You seem to forget that I have my PhD,” John heard as the doors shut behind him, letting out a small laugh at Peggy’s antics. He stopped by the nurse’s station just to chat a bit. 

   “Good morning Doctor Laurens,” one of the nurses said.

   “Ah. I do believe that it is after noon my dear Martha,” He said, leaning of the station. Martha laughs. 

   “Is that in your professional medical opinion?” She asked with a smirk. John just laughed and shook his head. 

   “How is William doing?” John asked, changing the subject. He heard Martha looking for his file and then she popped back up.

   “Well, last time I checked, he was doing okay. But it looks like last night his blood pressure dropped and his heart rate went down,” She says, handing him the file along with the stack of everyone else that was on his rounds.

   “What day is it?” he hears a resident yell.

   “INTERN DAY,” the others shout, They repeated this for a couple of seconds before letting out a noise that sounded vaguely like “Residents 2016”, but John couldn’t be sure. He remembered his intern and residency years. They had been grueling and he had gotten barely any sleep. He had been the token baby due to the fact that he had done an accelerated track in college, which meant that he had only spent 6 years in school, unlike the others who had spent eight. He had become an attending physician at the ripe old age of 27, unlike most of his peers who were in their early 30s. But John had work that he needed to do.

   John knocked on the first door that he saw and foamed in. 

   “Good afternoon! I’m Doctor John Laurens and I will be your doctor while you are here. How does that sound Miss-” he was cut off by the child.

   “I’m Angie and my tummy hurts. I want to go home but my mommy and daddy said that I can’t as well as the mean doctor who was down in the BR,” the little girl, Angie, said crossing her arms. John laughed.

   “All right Angie. Well, it seems like you have a few holes in your stomach according to Doctor Madison down in the  _ E _ R,” He turned to the parents. “Has our Child Family Life team met with you yet?” He asked. The family shook their heads and John nodded.

   “All right Angie. I am going to call a friend in, and she is going to play with you, how does that sound?” John asked, laying a hand on the top of her head. Angie nodded. John walked over to the station right across from the room.

   “Hey. Could you page Peggy to room 248 please?” John asked. The nurse nodded and paged Peggy.

   “Mom and dad? Can I talk with you for a second?” John asked Angie’s parents. They nodded and patted their daughter on the head. John walked out of the room while the parents followed.

   “Okay. So Angie has stomach ulcers. And by looking at her scans, I am suspecting that she will need surgery. You said here that she has been vomiting up blood and I am really glad that you brought her in. Our Child Family Life specialist has her file and will be talking to Angie about what is going to happen,” John said, making sure that the parents were following along. The parents continued to nod along and ask questions as he explained. He saw Peggy and waved.

   “Ah.  _ You’re _ here,” Peggy said. John laughed and rolled his eyes.

   “Just go Pegs. Do what you love,” John said, moving on to his next few rounds, hearing Peggy’s laughter behind him as she interacted with Angie.

* * *

 

   John finished his rounds and then went to William’s rooms. He looked at the small child that had numerous tubes coming out of him. John checked the multiple monitors and wrote down the numbers in his chart.

   William had been in a car crash that had killed both of his parents and had left him in the PICU as an orphan with nobody to go to. His aunt had been his godparent, but she had said that she didn't need another “rascal” as she had put it. 

   William had come in with multiple lacerations as well as abdominal bleeding. He had immediately caught John’s attention. When he was awake and alert, he was the most joyful child that John had ever met. 

   John set down his chart and gingerly picked up William. He was so light and small. He was about 6 months old, but was only about 9 pounds. John stood next to the bed, just holding William. When William had first come in, John had passed it off as him just wanting William to be a healthy baby, and healthy babies needed to be held. But now, John knew that he was in deep.

   Every so often, on those late night shift, John would allow himself to imagine a future with William. He could see himself and his husband crying because William had made it to kindergarten. He could imagine the tears that he would cry when he went to his first dance, got his first A, and everything else that came with parenthood. 

   John felt his pager buzz and he set William back into the crib.

   “I will see you before I go,” he said, smoothing down the baby’s hair, and went to the NICU to answer the page.

* * *

 

   The shift had gone quickly without any hiccups. John visited William one more time before he decided that it was probably time to go home.

   John signed out of his shift and went into his car. He felt his muscle relax, and he was overcome with exhaustion. He drove home and flopped onto the couch.

   “Long day?” Lafayette asked, John shrugged. It wasn't anything out of the norm. His shift had been shorter today than it normally was. John didn’t know why he was so tired. 

   John heard a knock at the door.

   “You better have ordered pizza or takeout,” John mumbled, getting up to answer the door. He trudged over to it and yanked it open. The face he saw on the other side make fire shoot through his body, and all of a sudden he didn’t feel tired anymore. 

   “John,” the man said, shifting his bag.

   “Alexander,” John breathed out. While it wasn’t pizza or takeout, it was definitely not something that John would ever want to go away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAY OUR GAY SONS HAVE MET!!!
> 
> Also, I am so very sorry that it took me two weeks to update this, but unfortunately this may become the new norm. I have started school and I am taking 4 AP courses, which is basically college courses taught in high schools, and these AP classes are going to take up the vast majority of my time as well as theatre once that starts up again.
> 
> Also, if you enjoy my writing, check out some of my other fics!!!  
> I hope you enjoyed!!
> 
> See you on the flipside!!!


	8. What Team?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander arrives and they have a bit fun watching a movie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all!  
> Another one arrives! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

*ALEX’S POV*

   Alexander had pulled up to the apartment and had taken a deep a breath. He had no idea how John was going to react to his presence. He had heard stories about soulmates who never ended up getting along. It was sad, but it had happened before. Also, not to mention the fact that Alex was coming to his apartment at 10:30 at night, which was pretty late for people who weren’t Alexander.

   Alex remembered that the front door of the apartment was always unlocked and let himself in. He heard soft voices coming from down the hall and could clearly hear Hercules’ laughter bounding down the hall like a Jack Russell Terrier. 

   He followed the sound and arrived at the door from which it came from and stood in front of the door. He could hear French blabbering and he could hear a laugh which Alexander could only imagine was John’s. And, great god, it was perfect. It sounded like warm butter sliding across a hot surface. It was warm and rich as well as expressive.

   He raised his hand to knock. A million thoughts of how he wasn’t good enough for John went through his head. But he knew that he had to knock, even if John wanted nothing to do with him.

   He knocked and heard somebody groan and talk about how whoever was at the door better have food.

   The door opened and Alexander saw John. He was even more beautiful like this. His hair was down and in every direction. He had sweatpants slung low on his hips and a tight Boston Medical t-shirt on. He was breathtaking. Alexander wanted to kiss him right there until John couldn’t do anything else, but he didn’t.

   “John,” He said quietly, shifting his bag to his other hand.

   “Alexander,” John said breathily. It was all Alexander could do to not sigh out loud. He looked at the man in front of him and fell even deeper in love. 

  The house smelled of cinnamon and vanilla and in enveloped Alexander in a feeling that he could only describe as home.

   Alex looked back and saw Hercules and Lafayette sharing an armchair, Hercules glaring at him and Lafayette seemingly failing at holding back a smile. He looked back at John and smiled.

   “Alexander. Do come in,” John said, moving back from the door, beckoning Alexander in. He walked in and smiled at Hercules and Lafayette.

   “Alexander!  _ Mon petit lion! _ Join us! We are watching Phantom of the Opera,” Lafayette called from the armchair. John laughed quietly.

   “You can just set your bag down here by the door. We’ll figure out sleeping arrangements later,” John said, looking down at the floor. Alexander nodded and set down his bag. 

   “Thank you,” Alexander said, looking bashfully at John. 

   “Are you guys going to come sit and watch the best movie musical ever or...” Hercules trailed off. Lafayette laughed as John and Alexander blushed simultaneously. 

   “Come  _ on.  _ Christine is about to go down into the water tunnels with the Phantom,” Lafayette says, groaning at the awkwardness that surrounded him. Alexander let out a small laugh.

   “Team Raul 2k16,” Alexander said, moving to sit on the couch.

   “Oh lord. John you cannot be his soulmate. There must have been a mistake because you cannot be in love with someone who cheers for  _ Raul _ . PHANTOM FOR EVER!” Hercules said, looking mischievously at John. John just laughed at sat on the opposite end of the couch from Alexander. 

* * *

 

   After the movie finished, John was occupying half of the couch and Lafayette and Hercules were curled into each other, sleeping. John looked like he was about to fall down while Alexander was perfectly awake. His hands were shaking and he couldn’t seem to sit still. The man who he knew he liked, possibly loved, was lying down right across from him. John’s shirt was riding up, showing John’s tan, well muscled stomach. Alexander tried hard not to look, but his eyes were drawn to him. John looked so peaceful. Alexander shifted and drummed his fingers on the arm rest.

   “Mmmm. I should probably show you where you are going to sleep,” John said, not even opening his eyes. 

   “Yeah. That would be nice,” Alexander said, looking around anxiously. John sat up and stretched, giving Alexander another glimpse of the skin underneath. John yawned and beckoned Alexander to come with him. Alexander stood up and grabbed his bag.

   “Sleep in Herc’s room tonight. He sleeps in Laf’s room anyway. Always have, always will,” John said sleepily, gesturing to a dark room that was immaculate. Alexander nodded and walked into the room. He flopped onto the bed and turned to face the wall. He heard the door shut behind him. Alexander let out a breath that he did not know he was holding in, and let his thoughts consume him. 

   He knew that he didn’t deserve John. He had all but ruined Maria’s life by cheating with her and then sharing it for all to see. He had hurt Eliza unforgivably, despite the fact that she had somehow forgiven him. Alexander had hurt everyone that he had loved. His mother died for him. His cousin’s death was all because Alexander was too much to handle. 

    John deserved better. From the little bit of Facebook stalking that Alexander had done, he knew that John was a pediatric doctor. Alexander couldn’t believe it. The man who Alexander was destined to be with was a doctor for little children. Children who believed that everything in the world is good and that there is magic in the world. 

   Alexander was a lawyer. He fought with people for a living. He worked with horrible people at times, not always, not even all of the time. But some of the people that he worked with, they were just downright terrible. 

   There was no way that he could be good enough for John. John probably wanted nothing to do with him. John was sweet and Alexander was not. John could fix the smallest children, all Alexander could do was argue, and arguing is not necessarily the best quality in a relationship. 

   Alexander had half a mind to leave right then. John deserved better. John needed better. John worked long hours and needed someone happy to come home to. Alexander would never be that person. Alexander worked long hours. Alexander never slept. He sucked at comforting people and hated crying. Alexander had separated himself from emotion. He had claimed before that it was due to the nature of his job, but the people who knew him knew it was because he had hurt people, and he knew how it could destroy a person and Alexander never wanted to be destroyed. 

   Alexander didn't leave though. He knew if he left, he would throw away his shot at being John’s friend. He knew that leaving would confirm that he was not good enough, and he didn’t want John to know how antipathetic he really was. John would figure it out eventually, but not this soon.

   Alexander fell into a restless sleep with scattered dreams, constantly being on the brink of waking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay!
> 
> Also, BTW I am so not team Raul, but I felt like Alexander is the hopeless-romantic-childhood-sweethearts type of person. I am actually fairly surprised that I was able to get this out, but I am happy nonetheless! 
> 
> I hope you guys have a great day!!!


	9. Thoughts are Hydrogen and I Must be Highly Electonegative

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander and John spend the day together and some unexpected things happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn. It has been so long you guys. I am so sorry. I had writers block for quite dome time and absolutely zero motivation. I wanted you get something good rather than trash. So here is something decent I hope. But y'all. It is over 2,000 words. YAY!!!!!!!
> 
> I hope you enjoy!
> 
> I'll see you on the other side!

    *JOHN POV*

    After he had shown Alexander his room, John went to bed. He tried to sleep, but all he could think of was how Alexander had come for him. Alexander and driven all the way to Boston from New York just for him. 

    John couldn't help but think about how beautiful Alexander was. He wasn’t perfect, that was for sure. His hair had been a mess and the bags underneath his eyes could have been classified as either designer or as vintage. But he was like a storm, and John was a weatherman awaiting the destruction with enthusiasm. Alexander exuded confidence. 

* * *

 

   John could hear Hercules and Laf’s whispers, which meant they must have been up and that John had not slept at all, thinking instead of sleeping. 

   “ _ John , mon cher , il est temps de se lever, _ ” Lafayette said, sitting on John’s bed, rubbing John’s shoulder lightly.

   “It’s six in the morning. Plus, I was never down,” John groaned. 

   “Alex is up,” Laf said. John sighed and sat up.

   “I better be getting food out of this,” John grumbled at Lafayette. Lafayette laughed.

   “Hercules is making waffles,” Lafayette said. He patted John’s shoulder and got up.

   “ _ En haut! _ ” Lafayette called over his shoulder. John groaned again and got out of bed. He walked out and was faced with a singing Hercules and Alexander and Lafayette conversing in French at a rapid speed.

   “ _ Qué es mi vida, _ ” John said quietly.

   “Ah. John. Good morning,” Alexander said, turning to look at him.

   “Square circle,” John said, flopping down onto the chair next to Lafayette.

   “What?” Alexander said, quirking his eyebrow. 

   “A square circle does not exist, and neither does a good morning,” John said, laying his head on the counter. 

   “ _ Café? _ ” Alexander said, holding out a large steaming mug. John nodded.

   “ _ Por qué tú hablas Español?”  _ John said, taking a sip of coffee an sighing.

   “ _ Es mi primer idioma,” _ Alexander said. Lafayette got up and went to talk to Hercules, allowing Alexander to slide closer to John.

   “ _ De dónde eres?” _ John asked, leaning closer. He wanted to blame it on the fact that he wasn't wearing his glasses, and therefore couldn't see very well, but it was really that Alexander was very pretty and smelled very nice and John just couldn’t help it.

    “ _ Soy de Nevis en el Caribe,”  _ Alexander said, looking John in the eyes, as if expecting John to scoff or move away. “ _ Y tú? Por qué un hijo de un persona muy rico habla Español?” _

     It was at this that John scoffed, but his heart also sped up. Alexander had obviously done his research on who his family was.

   “ _ Mi mama era de Puerto Rico. Ella hablaba a Español a mi cada día,” _ John said, looking down at the sudden onslaught of memories that filled his mind. Alexander nodded.

   “ _ Claro,”  _ he said.

   “Alright you Spanish fucks. It is really great that you are getting to know each other, but Herc and I wanna talk to, and he doesn’t know French, so we can’t speak privately like you two can,” Lafayette said. Alexander smiled and nodded while John rolled his eyes.

   “Do you have work today John?” Hercules asked, sliding a stack of waffles across the island. John nodded.

   “I’m working the overnight tonight. 7pm to 7am,” John said. 

   “Sweet. Well, Lafayette has to get ready to leave for France and the shop is open, so it looks like you guys will have the whole flat to yourselves,” Hercules said with a wink, making John roll his eyes.

   “John,  _ mon ami, _ remember to sleep,” Lafayette said. Hercules gave a pointed look to Alexander. 

   “Fine mom,” John said, laughing. Hercules got up and grabbed his wallet and his subway card and went out the door.

   “Alright Alexander and John, I have to go finish some things up before I go to France. I will see you later,” Laf said, looking at John with a raised eyebrow. Lafayette took off without another word.

   “Um. So I have work tonight, so I can’t exactly do much today because I need to rest,” John said, looking down. Alexander nodded.

   “Okay. That sounds good,” Alexander said. They stood there for a few moments, not sure what to do. 

   “Do you want to watch a movie?” John asked. Alexander nodded. 

   “Are you a Marvel person or a DC person,” John asked. Alexander laughed.

   “Marvel. But DC isn’t half bad,” Alexander said with a laugh. John cheered.

   “Okay. Since we can probably both agree that Chris Evans is 10/10 the best, which Captain America Movie do you want to watch,” John asked.

   “Yes,” Alexander said. John laughed.

   “All three it is then!” John said.

* * *

 

   By the time that Steve had figured out that The Winter Soldier was Bucky, Alexander was all but laying of top of John. Alexander was curled up with his knees leaning lightly against John’s thigh. He had his arm slung across John’s waist and his head was resting on John’s chest. 

   John’s heart gave a little leap when Alexander had first leaned against him. John had noticed that Alexander was oddly skittish around Hercules as well as John. It made John’s heart soar when Alexander had seemed to finally trust him.

* * *

 

   By the end of The Winter Soldier, Alexander was asleep. Alexander’s face was much calmer while he was asleep. When he was awake, he constantly looked as if the weight of the world sat upon his shoulders and his shoulders alone. When he was asleep, the creases in his face softened and he looked young again. 

   John took out the hair tie that was keeping Alexander's hair back and started combing his hands through Alexander’s hair slowly, working out the small knots that he came to every so often. Alexander shifted.

   “John?” He said, with a raspy, quiet voice.

   “Yes Alexander?” John said, equally as quiet.

   “What time is it?” Alexander said, sitting up more to rest his head on John’s shoulder. John took out his phone and checked the time.

    “About 12:30,” John said, setting his phone back down on the coffee table next to the couch. Alexander nodded and paused for a second.

   “It isn’t a burden is it?” Alex asked.

   “What isn’t a burden?” John asked, shifting so that he got a clearer look at Alexander’s face. Alexander looked down at his hands in his lap.

   “Me being here,” he said quietly. John let in a sharp breath.

   “Alexander. Alexander look at me,” John said, tilting Alexander’s head up with his fingers under Alexander’s chin so that they were making eye contact.

   “What John,” Alexander said defeatedly.

   “Alexander Hamilton. You will never be a burden to me. Never in your whole entire life,” John said. Alexander nodded and lay his head back down on John’s shoulder. 

   “Hungry?” John asked, cutting through the silence. Alexander nodded. “Okay, Get dressed. I know a few great places around here. What do you feel like. Mexican? Italian? Chinese? Anything that you can think of, we have here,” JOhn said enthusiastically. Alexander smiled.

   “Italian sounds great,” Alexander said, a small smile playing on his face. John nodded.

   “Alright. Let’ get dressed and we shall go out,” John said. Alexander walked to his room laughing while John walked to his own room.

   John flopped on his bed and let out a large sigh. Alexander was just so damn  _ cute _ . He was smaller than John had remembered, and his eyes were more captivating than John could have ever imagined. 

   Alexander smelled like summer. John could smell the sunshine and the warmth that came from summer as well as a slight smell of ocean. It reminded John of college and spending days out on the cape with either his friends or his sketchbook. 

   John quickly changed into a band t-shirt and a pair of jeans and grabbed his phone. He walked out of his room and went to go ait for Alexander. Upon passing Alexander’s room, he heard what sounded like crying.

   “Alex?” He said, knocking on the door softly.

   “Oh. Um. I’ll be ready in a second,” Alexander called, voice scratchy. 

   “We don’t have to go if you don’t want to. I know you may feel a bit uncomfortable, seeing that we just met less than 12 hours ago,” John said through the door. John felt the door move from under his hand. Alexander stood in the slim opening of the door.

   “Um. It isn’t you. I swear,” Alexander started. John cut him off.

   “What do you need?” John said.

   “What?” Alexander said, opening the door further. He looked so small compared to the door frame, and even smaller in an oversized hoodie and baggy sweatpants.

   “What do you need from me,” John said, looking at Alexander, who was clearly a mess. His eyes were red and his hair was messy from what John assumed was him running his hands through it.

   “I-I don’t know,” Alexander said quietly, looking down. John nodded.

   “Is it okay if I give you a hug,” John asked. Alexander paused for a moment, obviously contemplating the offer, then nodded. John moved closer and wrapped his arms around Alexander’s waist. Alexander leaned his head against John’s shoulder and John could feel the tears seeping through his shirt, but he didn’t give damn. Alexander needed him, and goddammit, John was going to be there for him.

   They stood there for a while, John’s hand running up and down Alexander’s back and his face embedded in Alexander’s hair. After a while, Alexander had stopped crying, but John had not stopped holding him. They just stood there in the doorway, clutching each other. Alexander let out a long breath.

   “Thank you,” He said into John’s shoulder. 

   “For what,” John said quietly into Alexander’s hair. Alexander broke out of the hug.

   “For asking me what I needed. No one has ever asked me that,” Alexander said, looking up at John. John smiled.

   “I will always be there for you Alexander, even when you try to push me away,” John said, looking down at Alexander. Alexander gave John a small smile.

   “I’m sorry. Do you want to get lunch now?” Alexander said, looking down at his feet. John shook his head.

   “I was thinking that we could just order take-out instead and finish the last Captain America movie,” John said, smiling. A grin broke out on Alexander’s face, and it made John’s heart soar. 

   “I’ll take that as a yes,” John said. He called the nearest Italian delivery place that wasn’t pizza. He changed back into sweatpants and joined Alex on the couch. He sat on the opposite side of the couch, unsure of how Alexander was going to react to his presence. 

   “Aren’t you cold over there?” Alexander said from underneath a pile of blankets, about 10 minutes into the movie.

   John shrugged. The answer was yes. Yes John was cold. John was also lonely and he had this ache in his chest telling him to hold Alexander until people could no longer differentiate them. But John didn't want to do it. Well, it wasn't that he didn't want to, he was just unsure of Alexander’s feelings. 

   Alexander moved to John’s side of the couch, leaned against John’s side with his legs tucked underneath him. He threw the blankets haphazardly over John’s legs and smiled. Alexander turned to look at the television as John turned to look at Alexander.

   John couldn’t help but think about how perfectly Alexander fit against his side. His head fit perfectly in the crook of his neck. John tried not to think about how perfect it was.

   It felt like everything had fallen into place. He had left his father as well as South Carolina, he had gotten his dream job, and now he had found his soulmate. Sure, they were both a bit damaged, but who wasn’t these days?

   John didn’t want to think about how perfect everything was because he knew from experience that it could be taken away in the blink of an eye. Anything could happen. His father could find out. The world could find out and make his life hell due to who his soulmate was.

   But John refused to think about any of these things, and decided to focus instead on the sharp smell of Alexander’s cologne and the way that, in that moment, everything was perfect. There were no roommates to bother them. There were no cameras waiting for the latest and hottest gossip on New York’s favourite lawyer. It was just John and Alex watching a movie together, alone

* * *

 

   When the delivery finally arrived, Alexander and John were so wrapped up with the movie, they didn’t even acknowledge each other’s presence until the food came. 

   The doorbell rang and John jumped up, which made Alexander’ head fall onto the couch with a bang and a shriek. John paid for the food and then brought it to the couch.

   “What’d you get,” Alexander said, propping himself up on the armrest on the couch.

   “So much pasta. So many breadsticks. Some soda. Aaaaaaand dessert,” John said with a smile. “I didn’t know what you would like for dessert, which is obviously the most important part of the meal, so I ordered my favourites,”

   Alexander smiled and John set the food down. John sat cross legged on the couch and Alexander leaned against him

   “Now where were we again?” John said, looking at the television. Alexander shrugged.

   “That part where Steve and Bucky are being gay,” Alexander said.

   “You’re going to have to be more specific than that,” John said, laughing. Alexander joined in and fell onto John’s side, as if it were the natural thing to do. John’s breath hitched.

* * *

 

   They finished the movie but never moved. The take out boxes strewn around them and Alexander asleep in John’s arms. They stayed like that for a while, John drifted in and out of sleep, comforted by the weight of Alexander in his arms.

   Hercules and Lafayette burst into the apartment chattering about who knows what. John shushed them and they turned to look at him. Lafayette made a squealing noise and some hushed comment about an OTP. John softly laughed. Unfortunately, this woke Alexander up with a start.

   “What is it? What happened?” Alexander said with a start, almost yelling.

   “Shh. It’s alright Alexander. I just laughed and I must have woken you up,” John said quietly, as to not start Alexander. From the small part of Alexander that was touching John, he could feel that Alexander was quaking.

   “Um. We’ll just leave you alone,” Hercules said gruffly, Lafayette giggling in the background. They left the room and John focused on Alexander.

   “Hey. It’s alright. You are safe,” John said, mainly to Alexander’s shaking back. Alexander sat frozen, other than shaking, with his eyes on the wall opposite of him, not really seeing much and breathing heavily. 

   Alexander exhaled slowly and slumped, but not against John as John had hoped. Instead Alexander had fallen against the back of the couch, still somewhat comatose.

   John leaned back against the armrest of the couch and tucked his feet underneath him. He was going to wait. He was going to wait until this blew over and hopefully Alexander would talk, but John, as somebody who worked with distressed children for a living, knew that this probably wouldn’t happen, Alexander would try to blow it off and say he was fine and try to move on. It wasn’t that John didn’t want this to happen, he just wanted to make sure that Alexander was okay, which he wasn’t, and he wanted to help. 

   That is when Alexander started crying. It wasn’t a small sniffle. It was the whole thing. Tears falling so fast that even Niagra Falls would be jealous of the volume of water. Hiccups wracking through Alexander’s body, making his whole being move with every breath. John just wanted to wrap his arms around Alexander and hold him until this hurricane had passed, but he didn’t want to scare Alexander. 

   “I’m so sorry,” Alexander said. John turned to look at him. Alexander’s large brown eyes looked up at John.

   “What?” John said, shifting his body to have a better look at Alexander.

   “I’m sorry. You didn’t ask for this. You didn’t ask to be paired with a fuck up like me,” Alexander said quietly, looking down at his hands. John grabbed Alexander’s hands in his own and leaned down tso that his eyes and Alexander’s eyes were at the same level

   “Alexander Hamilton. You are more than I could have ever asked for and more than anything I ever deserve. You will never be a burden, ever,” John said. Alexander sniffled. John glanced down at Alexander’s lips. He wanted to kiss him so badly. Alexander leaned his head forward so that their foreheads were touching.

   John could almost feel it. The feeling of Alexander’s chapped lips against his. The warm feeling in his stomach and the sparks that would shoot up his spine. He wanted it so badly just to kiss Alexander. 

   “I should probably get ready for work,” John said, pulling away begrudgingly. Alexander nodded as John got up guiltily. It was all John could do to prevent himself from running to his room. He threw himself on his bed and could feel the mattress sag underneath him. He let out a long sigh. He blew it. He practically nuked it. John shook himself, as if he were trying to shake of the shame, and threw on some scrubs. He grabbed his keys and ID badge an was out the door with a quick goodbye from Alexander. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> John , mon cher , il est temps de se lever: John, my dear, it is time to get up  
> En haut: Up  
> Qué es mi vida: What is my life  
> Café?: Coffee?  
> Por qué tú hablas Español?: Why do you speak Spanish?  
> Es mi primer idioma: It is my first language  
> De dónde eres?: Where are you from?  
> Soy de Nevis en el Caribe: I am from Nevis in the Carribean  
> Mi mama era de Puerto Rico. Ella hablaba a Español a mi cada día: My mom was from Puerto Rico. She spoke Spanish to me every day  
> Claro: Got it (this is idomatic. Directly translated it means clear)
> 
>  
> 
> Hey!!!!!!
> 
> Okay. If you want to know what the title means, it is super nerdy and I am so sorry. I got the idea while studying the chem portion of my bio class.  
> Basically, hydrogen always wants a buddy that has more unbounded electrons than it does, so it slams around looking for another element that is more electromotive. However, they must slam together repeatedly until they hit just right to bond. 
> 
> I though it kinda fit with everything that is going on in both opf their heads!
> 
> Anyway! I will try to update soon!
> 
> Please tell me what you thought in the comments below!!
> 
> Adios!!!


	10. Staring at the Blank Page Before You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is at work and Alex gets to know Hercules a bit better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS I HAVE ANOTHER CHAPTER AND I'M NOT LATE!!!! *high fives myself*
> 
> Anyway! I know this chapter is kinda short but I felt like it was a good place to stop!
> 
> Enjoy!!

    *Alex’s POV*

   Alexander sat on the couch and looked into the blackness of the television. He was alone. No John to comfort him and help. Alexander may have thought it to be embarrassing that John had seen him breakdown. It wasn’t that he had broken down per say, it was more the fact that Alex wanted to be different for John. He wanted to be strong instead of worrying about mc-fuking everything. He had wanted to go out for lunch with John, he really had. He had wanted to so badly. But Alex had no idea who could be out and about in the world and who could see them. He wasn’t sure if John were out to everyone. The anxiety that had been inside of him had choked him. He loved John so much he was almost positive that his heart was going to burst. However, he did not want to scar John off. It was evident that John had been hurt before due to the complete and utter overprotectiveness that Laf and Hercules had. 

   Alex, of course, could understand it. John was amazing. It was obvious that John put everyone else before himself. He was so kind to Alex in moments where he needed not to be. He had held Alexander in his strong arms when Alexander had been humiliating himself. 

   In any moment, John could kick Alexander out. Any moment Hercules and Lafayette could make sure that John knew everything. There was enough shit on the internet to make John leave. Trust him, he had seen it all and posted much of it under the assumption that it would clear his name and that people would value him for his honesty. Instead, he had needed security guards with him 24/7 due to all of the death threats that he had been sent. 

   He had had shoes thrown at him as well as stick and stones. Anything that the American public could get their hands on, they would throw at him. However, within a few months, the whole thing died down due to some celebrity cheating or something else equally as scandalous. However, that wasn’t to say that people didn’t still ask him part way into a conversation, “hey. Aren’t you that guy that cheated on Philip Schuyler’s daughter?”. 

   That was always a sucky thing to have to say yes to, especially after it became “Hey. Aren’t you that guy that cheated on Philip Schuyler's middle daughter with her soulmate?”. That was even worse. To cheat on someone was one thing, but with their soulmate, that was a whole different matter. It hadn’t been as bad as before, but the weight still sat on his conscience. He felt it every time that he was happy, as if he didn’t deserve the happiness after he had caused so much pain and hurt in Eliza. 

   He just sat and stared at the television. Starting at his own reflection. His hair was everywhere due to the constant running through it that he had done. His eyes were red from crying and his throat was raw. 

   He needed John. He loved John. But John needed him as much as a person needs a car. While a car may improve some aspects of life, it is not necessary, especially not in Boston or New York. 

   “Hey Alex,” Hercules said quietly. Alexander nodded in acknowledgement but kept staring straight ahead. He felt the couch dip and knew that Hercules had sat down next to him, but for some reason, Alexander could not look away from his reflection. He looked like a mess. He felt a hand on his shoulder.

   “Alex?” Hercules said again, a bit louder this time. Alexander turned and looked at him.

   “What do you need,” Alexander said dully. Hercules shrugged.

   “John texted to say that you had a rough day and that I should check up on you,” Hercules said. Alexander pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them.

   “I’m fine,” He said, resting his chin on the tops of his knees. Hercules shook his head.

   “Look man. I know you aren’t. Don’t try to BS me. I am the ultimate BS-er,” Hercules said with a small laugh. Alexander cracked a smile. 

   “I just am tired I guess,” Alex said quietly. Hercules nodded. 

   “Call him,” Hercules said. Alexander looked up and turned his head towards Hercules.

   “What?” He said quizzically.

   “Call. John,” Hercules said adamantly, handing Alexander his phone. 

   “Now?” Alexander asked. Hercules shrugged.

   “It’s up to you man. My phone doesn’t have a password because I trust you. But, at least get his contact info, okay?” Hercules said. He got up and left Alexander there on the couch, puzzled beyond belief.He opened the phone and saw that it was still on John’s information. He looked at the contact picture and smiled. It was a photo of John with his hair down and cascading down his shoulders. He had a bottle of beer in one hand and his other hand was holding up a peace sign. He seemed to be mid-laughter and Alexander longed to be able to see that.

   He quickly punched in John’s information into his own phone and went into his room. He lay there on his bed, staring into the darkness that seemed to swarm around him and allowed his thoughts to consume him.

   Most of the thoughts. He would admit, were about John. How he had looked so perfect standing there at the door when they had first met. How he had held Alex when he didn't need to. How John had asked what he could do to help Alexander. He sat there for a good hour until Lafayette burst into his room.

   “Dinner  _ mon ami _ ,” he said, pulling on Alexander’s arm. He groaned.

   “But I am comfy here,” he half-heartedly complained. Laf rolled his eyes.

   “Up!” He said. Alexander rolled out of the bed and fell onto the floor. Laf burst out laughing and attempted to say things in both French and English, but nothing came out.

   “Ouch,” Alexander said half-heartedly as Laf laughed even harder. Alexander got up and started eating.

* * *

 

   Dinner was delicious and Alexander couldn’t remember the last time he had laughed that hard. It was quite surprising actually. It was as if he had been accepted into the squad that was Hercules and Laf. 

   However, after dinner he sat in bed a wallowed. He tried to write but, for once in his life, no words would come out. He couldn’t talk to anyone at work because Washington had banned him from speaking to anyone due to something about needing a break and needing to get to know his soulmate. So he just sat. He looked at John’s contact frequently, but didn’t call.

   Finally, at approximately 9 at night, Alexander decided to call John. He assumed that he wasn’t going to pick up, due to the fact that he was a doctor and all, but Alexander decided to call anyway. 

   “Good evening. This is Dr. John Laurens speaking. How may I help you?” Alexander heard after 3 rings.

   “John. It’s Alexander,” Alexander said quietly.

   “Oh hey! Is everything alright? I can come home if you need me to,” John said quickly. Alexander laughed.

   “Everything is fine. Hercules told me to call you and, to be quite frank, I missed you,” Alexander said, quietly saying the last part as if he didn’t want John to hear. He heard a small laugh on the other side.

   “I miss you too Alexander,” John said quietly.

   “Alex,” Alexander quietly corrected. He could almost hear John’s smile from the phone.

   “What’s up?” John asked. Alex could hear rustling in the background of wherever John was.

   “Nothing much. Just trying to relax, or something like that,” Alexander said. “You?”

   “Same. Giving a kiddo a little bit of TLC,” John said. Alexander smiled.

   “Aww. Dad material,” Alexander said, jokingly. John laughed.

   “His name is William. Came in about 4 months ago after a car crash that killed both of his parents,” John said. Alexander looked down into his lap, remembering all of the death that had happened in Nevis. 

   “That is sad,” Alexander said pensively.

   “Yeah. So basically, he is still in the hospital trying to gain weight and be healthier and recover from everything that has happened to the poor boy,” John said quietly. Alexander exhaled. He knew what would be next for the baby. The two words that Alexander had avoided as much as he could when he had escaped to the states. Foster. Care. 

   Alexander sat there as John talked enthusiastically about the hospital and thought about how amazing this would be to have every day. He hears beeping the in background and some sort of rustling an perks up.

   “Do you need to go?” Alex asks quietly. He hears John inhale.

   “Probably,” John says, seemingly wistful. 

   “Go. Go save the children. I’ll see you in the morning,” Alexander said, smiling. John laughed.

  “Goodnight Alexander,” John said.

  “Goodnight John,” Alexander said back. He heard the beep  signaling the end of the call ad set his phone down on the nightstand next to his bed. He turned over and went to sleep, and slept the best that he had ever slept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this! I will probably be off again for a long time and I am SO SORRY. I am trying to work on this during study hall, but sometimes I have to do some actual studying ;). 
> 
> Please give me your feedback! Good or bad! It is really motivating when I see your lovely comments!!
> 
> Have a wonderful day!!!!


	11. Helpless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A day in the life of Doctor John Laurens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'ALL IT'S ANOTHER CHAPTER!!!!
> 
> Thank you so much for the amazing comments! They mean so much to me! 
> 
> Enjoy!!

    *JOHN’S POV*

   John set down William and started running. He had heard beeping behind him and a commotion behind him. He was terrified. His heart was beating quickly and his breathing had elevated. He went into the room of the patient who had tubes snaking in and out of their body and almost screamed out of frustration and helplessness. 

   “Talk to me Dr. Dickenson,” John hollered above the commotion. 

   “Cassidy Beckett. Age 5. Came in with complaints of a stomach cramps. Ended up having twisted intestines and needed surgery and sedation. Currently in v-fib,” Dickenson said quickly. John nodded. He snapped on a pair of rubber gloves and assessed the situation.

   “Page cardio,” John called out, walking to Cassidy’s bedside. He heard mumblings behind him and straightened his shoulders.

   “Did I stutter? Page. Cardio,” He said, grabbing the paddles out of the hands of a nurse.

   “Cardio’s on their way,” he vaguely heard a nurse say. He nodded.

   “Charge to 120,” he said calmly.

   “Charged,” The intern manning the defibrillator said loudly.

   “Clear on three,” John yelled. “One, two, three. CLEAR!” The paddles in his hands jumped. He moved back so that a nurse could perform CPR.

   “Cardio’s here,” he heard a feminine voice say.

   “Welcome,” John said, not looking away from the screen that had Cassidy’s stats.

   “Move please,” He heard the cardio voice say. He backed up. 

   “What do you need Dr.-” 

   “Adams. I would go into my whole education and everything seeing that that is what most men need to see in regards to a female doctor, but I do not have the time,” She said.

   “CLEAR,” She called commandingly. Cassidy’s body jerked at the amount of electricity that coursed through her, but her heartbeat steadied once again and John sighed.

   “Thank you Doctor Adams,” he said. She nodded and exited the room with a flourish. John stared at the door. He had never met anyone like her. She was oddly cold and terse, and John had never met her. He knew that there was a position open in the cardiothoracic department, but he thought that they had already hired someone. 

   “Do you know her?” John said do Dickenson. He nodded.

    “Dr. Abigail Adams. New head of cardio. She’s one of the best in the country,” Dickenson said, staring at the door. He sighed.

   “I’ll have to get to know her. She seems interesting,” John said pensively. Dickenson smirked.

   “I’m pretty sure that she is engaged,” Dickenson said. John’s eyes widened with shock.

   “Oh god no. Not in that way, “ John said quickly. Dickenson smirked at him again.

   “I would go get some sleep Doctor Laurens,” He said with a wink. John sighed. He probably did need some sleep. He hadn’t slept since he had arrived. He made his way to the on call rooms and opened the door to one that appeared to be dark. He flipped the light switch on and jumped.

   “Pardon me Dr. Adams. I didn’t realize-” he was cut off.

   “It is fine Doctor Laurens,” she said without turning to look at him. John heard her breath catch.

   “Are you okay Doctor Adams?” he said cautiously.

   “I’m engaged Laurens,” she said coldly. John took a deep breath in.

   “I’m gay,” he said with a smile. She rolled over to face him.

   “Wait. Really?” she said, eyebrows raised. 

   “Yes,” John said, looking down at his shoes. She smiled.

   “Thank god,” she said, getting up.

   “Oh no. You can stay here. I’ll go somewhere else,” John said.

   “Oh no. You can sleep here. You need it,” she said, eyes scanning him.

   “Are you sure?” he said cautiously.

   “Of course. Would you be okay with me working? Have to check up on some patient’s labs and stats,” she said. John nodded.

    “Of course,” he said. She sat down and began working. John took this as a cue and lay on the bed. He hadn’t realized how tired he was until he was laying on the bed and fell asleep promptly.

* * *

 

   He woke with a start and saw that Abigail had left. He checked his watch and saw that it was about 5 in the morning. He walked to the nearest coffee station and got the largest coffee that they made as well as a medium for whoever was working the station. He walked to the nurse’s station.

   “Good morning Doctor Laurens,” Martha said. 

   “Ah. What a beautiful morning it is Ms. Manning,” He said, leaning against the desk. Martha smiled. 

   “You didn’t miss much. A few kids woke up in the middle of the night kind of upset. Don’t worry. William has been good. Slept through the night. He seems to be getting better,” she said. John couldn’t help but wonder when the kid didn’t sleep. He was almost never awake, which made sense due to the amount of sedatives that he was on.

   “Thank you Martha,” he said. She gave him a strained smile.

   “Coffee?” he offered.

   “Oh my gosh please,” she said, practically leaping over the desk to get the cup.

   “Long night?” John said, laughing. She nodded. She took a long sip and tilted her head back.

   “Yes. This is exactly what I needed. Thank you so much John,” she said. He nodded.

   “Of course,” he said.

* * *

   He spent the next hour doing rounds and overall wandering the quiet halls. He loved it here. It was peaceful in its own way. The overhead lights changed colour every few seconds, flowing from a deep blue to a light green to a dark pink in a way that reminded him to breathe. It was quiet when the children would sleep, not that he didn’t love the chaos that ensued when they were awake. The decorated doors were all closed and John couldn’t help but smile. Some doors were covered by pictures of the resident child. Some were filled with inspirational quotes. And, while those were all beautiful, John’s favourite type of door was the kind that was obviously decorated by the child and not the parent. It would have torn out  coloring pages taped on with sparkly stickers.

   “Doctor Laurens?” John heard from behind him, breaking him out of his trance. He turned to look behind him. It was Dickinson.

   “Yes Doctor Dickinson?” he said, arching an eyebrow.

   “Um. I was just-nevermind,” Dickinson said, scurrying away from John. John shrugged and continued walking. 

   “Code Blue in room 233. Code Blue. Room 233,” John heard on the intercom. He started running. He crossed him fingers and prayed that it wasn’t who he thought it was. He sprinted all of the way to the room and arrived short of breath.

   “Dickinson! WHat happened!” John declared, walking into the room.

   “It’s Cassidy again. She went into v-fib,’ Dickinson said cautiously.

   “Page Adams,” John yelled, placing his stethoscope on Cassidy’s chest. He groaned and started CPR.

   “What’s up Laurens,” Adams said, walking in.

   “It’s Cassidy,” he said, not even turning to look at her.

   “Dammit,” Abigail said. John nodded and continued CPR.

   “What do we do Doctor Adams,” John said. He got no response.

   “Charge to 200,” she called out. John focused on her voice.

   “Charged,” the nurse at the machine said.

   “Clear!” Doctor Adams called out. John quickly removed his hands from the patient’s body. Cassidy’s body jolted, but her heart rate remained the same.

   “Come on Cassidy,” he whispered. She had to make it through. She had been in for what would have been a simple surgery if she hadn’t gotten infected, but she was to be discharged the next day. 

   “Charge to 250-” Doctor Adams said. “-clear!” Cassidy’s body jolted again, still with no effect. Doctor Adams charged and tried again, with no results. John bit his fingernail.

   “Please Cassidy,” John said. He watched her and he watched Doctor Adams remain calm. He watched her until she flatlined. The long beep echoed in his head.

   “Call it Dickinson,” John said after staring at the monitor.

   “I’m sorry. What?” Dickinson said. John turned to him.

   “I said. Call it,” John said, staring down into Dickinson’s eyes. 

   “Time of death, 6:49am,” Dickinson said quietly. John nodded and walked off to find her parents. He walked into the lobby and saw them. They were wrapped up in each other joking around, drinking coffee. John wanted to take a picture of it because he knew that they would never be that happy ever again.

   “Mr. and Mrs. Beckett?” John called out softly. They turned to look at him.

   “Ah John. How are you?” Mr. Beckett said jovially. John nodded.

   “Can I speak with you two?” John said. Their faces fell.

   “What happened,” Mrs. Beckett said. John swallowed.

   “I’m so sorry. We did everything we could, but Cassidy has died,” John said, looking them both in the eyes, trying to keep himself together. Mrs. Beckett stared at him like he had three heads.

   “What?” she said, choked up.

   “We have grief counselors here if you would like to talk with them. I can put you in touch with our post-mortem team if you would like as well,” John said.

   “Cassidy is. Dead?” Mr. Beckett said.

   “Yes sir,” John said, feeling the wall of sobs that were threatening to crawl up his throat. Mrs. Beckett nodded.

   “Can we see her?” she said. John nodded and led them to the mourgue. They walked there in silence. Cassidy’s parents mourning the loss of their only child, and John mourning the loss of one of his patients. They arrived at the morgue and John showed them Cassidy.

   “She’s still warm,” her mother said thickly. John nodded.

  “She hated the dark and cold,” Cassidy’s dad said quietly, holding onto his wife’s shaking shoulders.

   “I’m sorry for your loss,” John said, looking down at his feet. He hated this. He hated losing a patient. He hated having to look the parents in the eye and telling them that their child, who had a whole future ahead of them, had just died.

   “Can we have a moment?” the mother said. John nodded and all but ran out of the room. His shift was done and he needed out of the confining white walls of the hospital. He needed Alexander. 

   John got into his car and peeled out of the parking garage and onto the road home, and somehow, he was not crying. He was just angry. Angry at himself. Angry at whatever higher being had allowed such a small, smart girl to die. These were the days that he hated being a doctor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry... (kinda)
> 
> BUT! never fear! a (hopefully) good chapter will be out (hopefully) soon!!!
> 
> Please keep the comments coming! I love you guys all so much! Have an amazing day/week/month/life!!!


	12. There are Moments the the Words Don't Reach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John comes home visibly distraught, and Alexander attempts to comfort him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> I am so sorry for not putting anything out in two weeks. I had awful writer's block, probably due to lack of sleep from mid-terms, and got stuck.
> 
> Anyway!
> 
> CAN WE ALL AGREE THAT THE TWO TRACKS FROM THE HAMILTON MIXTAPE ARE FREAKING LIT AS HELL?!?!?!?!?!?!? KELLY CLARKSON KILLS ME EVERY TIME!!
> 
> Anyway! Enjoy!!

    *ALEX’S POV*

   It was 6:30 in the morning, and Alex couldn’t go back to sleep. To be fair, he had slept in compared to how early he usually got up. He didn’t know what to do with himself. John was still at work, and wouldn’t be home for another hour probably, and Hercules and Lafayette were sound asleep, which Alex would hope after all of the noise that he had heard coming from their bedroom last night. 

   Alex got out his phone and started to scroll through him multiple media platforms. His twitter was surprisingly empty, as was his email inbox. He swore and thought of how this was probably all the work of Washington.

   “Stupid fucking Washington with his stupid fucking ideas of a break,” Alexander mumbled. He paced in his room for as bit, wanting to pick fights with people on the internet, but never being able to make word count. He heard the door quietly creak open and stopped walking around. He walked out of his room and looked around the corner. John looked beat, but Alex assumed that this was because he had had a 12 hour shift and probably had not slept.

   “Good morning John,” Alexander said quietly. John looked up tiredly.

   “Square circle,” John said exhaustively. 

   “What?” Alexander said, quirking an eyebrow.

   “They don’t exist,” John said, sighing at the end.

   “Do you want me to make you any breakfast? Coffee?” Alexander offered. John shook his head.

   “Nah. I’m just going to sleep,” John said, turning away. Alexander’s face fell.

   “Oh. Okay. You sure?” he said hopefully.

   “Yes Alexander. I’m positive,” John said walking away. Alexander nodded. He knew that this was bound to happen. He knew that John would get annoyed by him eventually. 

   He made himself a cup of coffee, but couldn’t bring himself to drink it. John had looked so sad. Older than his years. He walked  back to his room to see if maybe he could sleep, when he heard sniffling coming from John’s room. He almost walked by, when he remembered what John had done for him. He knocked.

   “John?” he said quietly. The sniffling stopped.

   “I’m fine Alexander,” John said, seemingly angry.

   “I don’t believe you. I’m coming in,” he said, voice wavering slightly. He opened the door slowly and saw John curled up in a ball on his bed. John hiccupped.

   “Is it okay if I lay down?” Alexander asked quietly. John nodded. Alexander lay down, facing John, and hesitantly wrapped an arm around John’s waist. John melted into him, tucking his head underneath Alexander’s chin and started bawling. John’s shoulders were shaking and he made odd choking noises, as if he couldn’t breathe.

   “It’s my fault,” John said, cut off by another sob. Alex shushed him.

   “No it isn’t,” he said softly, stroking John’s hair. Alexander could feel his shirt slowly becoming soaked, but he didn’t mind. John needed him. 

   So he held him. Alexander rocked John slightly as John cried, cradling him against his chest. The sobs stopped slowly and turned to sniffs.

   “She died and it’s all my fault,” John said quietly. Alex drew circles on John’s back as a response.

   “She died and I didn’t save her,” John said again.

   “You did everything you could,” Alexander said quietly. John shook his head.

   “I should have seen it,” John said. “I should have known,”

   “You can’t predict everything,” Alexander said quietly. John sobbed. Alexander didn’t know what to do.

   “I should have seen this,” John said quietly. Alexander shushed him.

   “Do you want any tea?” Alexander said quietly. John nodded. Alexander slowly got up and walked quietly to the kitchen. He put some tea into the kettle and leaned against the counter. He had never dealt with someone else who was suffering with grief. He heard a shuffling behind him.

   “Hey,” Alex heard quietly. He turned around.

   “Hey,” He said softly back. They just stared at each other. Alexander didn’t know what to do or say. John stared back fiercely, albeit eyes shining and red, as if he were daring Alexander to say anything.

   The tea kettle whistled and they both jumped. Alexander silently poured hot water into two mugs and handed one mug to John and pushed the many boxes of tea that Lafayette had bought once while drunk. John nodded gratefully and grabbed a tea bag. 

   “Netflix?” Alexander asked. John nodded and Alexander walked towards the couch. He leaned up against the arm of the couch and John leaned up against him, wrapped in blankets and clutching the mug of tea as if it were a lifeline. Alexander wrapped an arm around John and he could feel John shaking. He turned on some mind-numbing comedy and just held John. 

   About halfway through the movie, John stopped shaking and started crying again. Alexander ran his hand up and down John’s side, trying to comfort him. The movie ended, but John’s crying did not.

* * *

 

   They stayed like that most of the day. John crying, and Alexander attempting to comfort him. They stayed like that until John got up and mumbled something about a shower. Alexander nodded and let him go.

   He didn’t see John for the rest of the day. He wanted to do something, but decided that John probably wanted to be left alone. He went about his day as best that he could. He wrote a little bit on current trials that were going on at his law firm, which he had bribed someone at the office to email him. 

   Alexander got ready for bed and sat crossed legged scrolling through his twitter before becoming slightly emotionally drowsy. He lay down and stared at the wall, hoping that he would emotionally recharge so that he could continue arguing with Jefferson, who had obviously forgotten, or ignored, Washington’s statement of a break. He stayed like that until he felt a weight on the side of his bed. He turned around and saw John’s face.

  “I’m sorry,” John sniffed, “I couldn’t sleep,” Alexander looked at him in shock.

   “It’s fine. You’re fine,” Alexander said quietly, as if he didn’t want to startle John. John wasn’t shaking anymore. When Alexander looked into John’s eyes, they were dead. There was nothing behind them. No life.

   “I killed her,” John said quietly. Alexander said nothing. He just looked into John’s eyes. John blinked. They lay there for a while, just staring into each other’s eyes.

   “Do you want to talk about it?” Alexander said quietly after a while. John shrugged.

   “I had a patient. She died. It was my fault,” John said flippantly. Alexander sighed.

   “You made an oath. It is not your fault,” Alexander said quietly, running his hands through John’s hair. He felt John relax into the bed.

   “I hope not,” John said.

   “Do you want to sleep here tonight?” Alexander asked. John didn’t say anything, he just moved closer to Alexander. Alex felt John fall asleep by the steady rise and fall of his chest. He kept running a hand through John’s hair and savoured the moment. John buried his head into Alexander’s chest and sighed. Alexander closed his eyes and tried not to think about what would happen when John found out more about how much of a scumbag Alexander was. He closed his eyes, and fell asleep. He was content, for the first time in a long while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> I hope you liked this new installment! I am already working on the next chapter, so I should have another chapter for you guys soon!!!!
> 
> Please leave comments and kudos! They are very much appreciated!!


	13. I think I might Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander and John become more comfortable with each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY I'M NOT DEAD.
> 
> Guys...I am so, so, sososososo sorry. I haven't updated in a month. I am so sorry. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter and hopefully I will update ASAP!!!
> 
> ENJOY!!

     *JOHN’S POV*

   He woke up with Alexander’s arm thrown around his waist. He felt content. There was no reason for him to get out of bed. He and Alexander were in a bubble of happiness that not even Henry Laurens himself could burst. 

    He was laying in bed, with his soulmate. No sex. Just laying there. Laying there as if Cassidy hadn’t died. Laying there as if he were good enough for Alexander. 

   Alexander stirred. John sucked in a breath. He didn’t know what Alexander would think when he woke up. Would he regret it? Probably not. He had seemed fine with in the light of the moon. But one could never be sure about Alexander Hamilton. From what John had experienced, as well as researched, Alexander was like a storm. He raged on, never quitting until he died. He destroyed people and villages until he finally destroyed himself. But, similar to a storm, Hamilton’s destruction had a certain beauty to it. 

   John was just a small boat on the ocean. Alexander’s storm could either destroy him or carry him far, far away from everything. Either way, John didn’t give a fuck. Here he was, the oncoming storm sleeping. Alexander stirred again and his eyelids fluttered.

   “Good morning,” John said softly. Alexander sighed as a response.

   “Your eyelashes,” Alexander said quietly. John smiled.

   “What about them,” he said softly.

   “They’re beautiful,” Alexander said breathlessly. John blushed.

   “Thank you,” he said quietly.

   “No really,” Alexander said, yawning. John let out a breathy laugh.

   “Thank you Alexander,” John said.

   “Alex,” Alexander said.

   “Hmm?” John said, yawning.

   “Call me Alex,” he said. John nodded.

   “Okay,” John said quietly, trying to hide his face, because it was probably beet red and the sun was coming out so Alex could most definitely see it. Alexander pulled John closer.

   “Breakfast?” John asked. Alexander nodded.

   “What time is it?” Alexander asked. 

   “6:15. And, if you want breakfast, you are going to have to get off of me,” John said. Alexander groaned and rolled over. John laughed quietly and got up. He wrapped the blanket, that he had brought with him last night, around himself like a burrito and shuffled to the kitchen.

   He drowsily threw coffee grounds into the coffee maker and pressed the button the make it start. He shuffled around looking for food, but somehow ended up on the floor. He didn’t feel like getting up, so he just wrapped his blanket around him tighter and stared at the ground.

   “John?” he head Alexander say. He laughed in response.

   “Why the fuck are you on the floor,” Alexander asked, kneeling down. John laughed harder. Alexander looked at him, and began laughing. John loved it. Alex’s eyes sparkled and his hair shook as he threw his head back. It was like watching the sun come out after a traumatizing storm. 

   “Get up you goof,” Alexander said, holding out a hand. John took it gratefully. Alexander pulled him up and then there they were. Face to face. He could just kiss him. They were pressed closely. Their hands clutched between their chests. John leaned forward to press his forehead against the shorter man’s. He could kiss him. It was the perfect moment, until he felt a scalding liquid touch his hip, which was leaned up against the coffee maker.

   “Shit!” John exclaimed, jumping back away from the counter.

   “Oh my gosh what,” Alexander said. John groaned.

   “I am so stupid,” John replied, glaring at the coffee maker.

   “Agreed, but why this time,” Alexander said, not looking at the coffee maker. John gestured towards it.

   “Did you-”

   “Yes,” John said with a sigh. Alexander started laughing.

   “You seriously-”

   “Yes Alexander. I didn’t put a cup underneath the coffee maker,” John said, rolling his eyes.

   “Oh my gosh. I can’t believe it,” Alexander said between laughs. John rolled his eyes again. 

   “I hate you,” John said, fondly. 

   “Mmm. The feeling is mutual my dear,” Alexander said back, smiling. John grabbed the paper towels and started wiping the mess up. Alex laughed. JOhn sat back on his heels, glaring at Alex.

   “Are you planning on helping, or are you planning on just standing there and laughing at me,” John said, cocking his head. Alexander shook his head, silently laughing, and knelt down to help John.

* * *

 

They spent the day hanging out and joking around. John felt as if they had broken a barrier. They ordered Chinese that night and watched bad horror movies. Alexander siting between John’s legs and leaning back onto John’s chest. They yelled at the characters who were evidently doing something stupid.

The feeling of content didn’t leave the whole day. Alexander had fallen asleep on him halfway through Krampus and had burrowed himself into John’s chest. John smiled and then yawned. He checked his phone ad saw that it was 10 o’clock and decided that sleep would not be the worst thing in the world. He slid down and kissed the top of Alexander’s head.

* * *

 

   Weeks passed and they started to become more comfortable together. They only slept apart when John had a night shift, but they texted whenever they could. John had started to get used to Alexander’s constant typing, now that his boss had allowed him some information on the current cases that were going on. John had gotten used to the comfortable silence that surrounded them sometimes. One thing he had not gotten used to though, was Lafayette and Hercules. It wasn’t that he didn’t approve. It was definitely not that. It was that they were so annoying. They had the cutsey relationship down. And, if John were to admit it, he was slightly jealous. However, Laf and Herc tried to stay out of John and Alex’s way most of the time. Lafayette had left for France to visit friends a week prior, and Hercules had quickly followed, so Alexander and John had the apartment to themselves.

   “John,” John heard from across the apartment.

   “Yes?” John replied, glancing up from the book he was reading. 

   “What Hogwarts house are you?” Alexander said, coming closer. John shrugged.

   “Tell meeee,” Alexander said, draping himself on John’s shoulder.

   “I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it,” John said. Alexander laughed.

   “Liiiiiierrr,” Alexander whispered in John’s ear. John laughed.

   “Why is it important?” John said.

   “It is the only way to know if we are truly soulmates,” Alexander said with a smile. John sighed.

   “Gryffindor,” John said quietly. Alexander let out a laugh.

   “Oh my lord,” he said breathily. John laughed.

   “Was that a good ‘oh my lord’? Or a bad one?” John said with a smile. Alexander flopped over the couch into John’s lap.

   “Depends,” Alexander said coyly. John rolled his eyes.

   “Dude. You’re on my book,” John said. Alexander rolled his eyes and lifted his upper body slightly. John pulled the book out from underneath Alexander and began reading again. Alexander looked scrolled through something on his phone. 

   They sat there for a while. John at some point had started running his hand through  Alexander’s hair. At about 1 in the afternoon, Alexander let out a long sigh. John set his book own on the coffee table next to the couch and looked down at Alexander.

   “Wat want,” John said. Alexander shrugged. John glared at him.

   “Lunch?” Alexander said. John nodded. Alexander got up off of John’s lap and held out a hand to John. John gratefully took it and Alexander hoisted him up. There they were again, chest to chest, so close that they could kiss. John looked at Alexander’s eyes and fell so far into them. He could feel Alexander’s chest moving under their hands.

   “I should go get ready,” Alexander said in a deep whisper. He turned around and walked on to his room and John tried to keep contact with Alexander’s skin, but he was also rooted to the spot. The warmth that Alexander had left was intoxicating. John wanted to follow Alexander to his room and never leave. He never wanted Alexander to leave. John’s breath caught. He never wanted Alexander to leave. He wanted Alexander to move in. He wanted everything that came with it. All of Alexander’s messy habits. Alexander’s inability to sleep at a reasonable time. 

   John smiled and went to his room to get dressed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed!!
> 
> If you are ever needing more of my writing, check out my other fics that are in this series!
> 
> Comments/kudos are always appreciated!!!!


	14. Fun Times ft. Anxiety and Self Doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander spends some time with John as well as learns some things about himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYS!!
> 
> I am so sorry for not updating. School has been awful and I have had not brain power to work on this. I am SO SO SO sorry!
> 
> Enjoy!

    *ALEX’S POV*

   They went to lunch together. They had walked around Boston together. In all, Alexander didn’t like Boston. It was too quiet. The streets were quiet. At night time, there were barely any cars and nothing was open. It was such a contrast to what he was used to, Alex hadn’t been able to sleep the first few nights. However, with John by his side, it was much better. He didn’t feel the need to run everywhere. John grounded him with just a touch. 

   “What are you thinking about?” John aid into Alexander’s ear, tugging slightly on Alexander’s arm to pull Alexander out of his thoughts. Alexander shrugged and smiled. John smiled back. Alexander leaned his head into John and he felt John pull him a little closer. 

   For the first time in his life, Alexander felt like something was going right in his life. Every negative thing in his life - every death, every failure, all of it - it was all leading up to this. It was all leading up to John. John’s smile. John’s way that he sings in the morning when he thinks that Alexander is asleep. The way that they both know when the other has had a bad day. Something good had finally happened in Alexander’s life. 

   “It was all worth it,” Alexander said quietly. John cocked his head, looking at Alexander.

   “You were worth it all,” Alexander said, stopping to look at John. 

   “Thank you,” John said with a smile. They walked for a little longer and then went into John’s apartment. Alex sat on the couch cross legged with his computer in his lap, writing. He wasn't writing about anything in particular, he was just kind of letting everything out. Some of it was about work-related topics. Most of it was about John. 

   After about an hour, Alexander could vaguely hear music in the background of his thoughts. He ignored it and continued working. A piece of his hair fell in front of his face and he swept it behind his ear. Alexander felt hands in his hair and sighed. He felt his hair fall against his shoulders when the hair tie was taken out. 

   “I think you should probably get to bed,” John said quietly into Alexander’s ear. Alexander sighed and nodded. He felt John’s hands on his shoulders and Alexander straightened as he worked out the knots that were in Alexander’s shoulders. He felt the heavy weight of John’s hands leave his shoulders and whined. He looked at John as he walked away. How did he get so lucky. He got up and followed John to his bedroom and lay down on the bed. John lay beside him and they lay like that, staring at each other. John shifted closer to Alexander and lazily threw his arm arm over Alex’s waist. Alex melted on the spot. He nuzzled into John and fell right asleep, something that never used to happen.

* * *

 

   Alexander woke up to a cold bed and groaned. He quickly got out of bed, panicking, and ran to the living room. 

   “John?” Alexander somehow managed to get out. He fell to the floor and just sat there. 

   “Alex?” Alexander vaguely hearn. His breathing was erratic and he couldn’t see anything but images flashing before him. He saw his father waving goodbye with a smile on his face. He saw his neighbors carrying away his mother’s body. He saw his cousin laying there on the ground, dried blood splattered behind him like a modern art piece. He was drowning, with the bodies of all of his friends and family floating past him like some sort of sick dream. 

   Alexander could feel arms wrap around him and panicked. He could feel himself rocking as if he were on a ship. However, he smelled something that was neither death nor ocean. It was John. He opened his eyes and saw the living room couch and started crying. 

   “Hey. It’s okay,” John said, rubbing circles on Alexander’s back. Once Alexander had calmed down, he leaned into John. Nothing felt okay, but somehow, all of Alexander’s thoughts stilled as soon as he was in John’s arms. 

   They sat there for a bit as Alexander slowed his breathing. He could hear John vaguely in the back of his mind, but Alexander was mainly focusing on the feeling of John’s heart beating wildly. Alexander smiled. He was relieved that he made John nervous as well. As his brain slowed down with his breathing, he slowly tuned into what John was saying and burst out laughing.

   “Ah. You’re back!” John said with a smile. Alexander kept laughing. 

   “Were you just-” he tried to say, but then got cut of by more laughter bubbling up from his chest.

   “Was I just what?” John said with a smirk, cocking his head slightly. Alexander’s laughter slowed down.

   “Were you just describing to me how to insert an IV?” Alexander said, fighting back laughter. John’s face contorted into a large, gaping smile.

   “So you noticed?” John said, smiling. Alexander laughed and nodded. They dissolved into a fit of giggles. John shifted backwards and Alexander fell to the ground as John got up. Alexander yelped as he thudded to the floor.

   “You  _ bastard _ ,” Alexander shrieked. John laughed and Alexander was all of a sudden captivated by the way that his eyes crinkled as he smiled. John offered Alexander a hand which he gladly took.

   “I’m going to make dinner. Anything in mind?” John said, walking towards the kitchen. Alexander followed. He perched himself on one of the barstools across from John and folded his arms on the counter, resting his head on his arms.

   “Not really? I’m kinda game for anything,” Alexander said with a half-hearted shrug. John nodded.

   “Pasta?” John offered.

   “Mac and cheese?” Alexander responded. John nodded.

   “Sounds good to me,” John said, searching through the cupboards. Alexander smiled and watched John. John was incredible, perfect, and worlds better than what Alexander deserved. 

   “Hey. Is it alright with you if I go out for a walk? I kinda need to clear my head,” Alexander said. John nodded.

   “Bring your phone. Call me if you get lost,” John said. Alexander laughed.

   “Okay mom,” Alex said, walking up by John and kissing his cheek. John blushed. Alexander waved as he walked out of the door and then sighed. The air outside was cooler and woke him up. He decided to just walk around the block a couple of times to just breathe. He let himself drift into thought as he walked so that he could sort some shit out and not feel as if someone had carved every ounce of himself out. Alexander huffed. For once, he wanted to not feel drained and empty. It was hard, because sometimes he thought that it was gone, but then a moment of silence would sink in and the feeling would return. It was hard for him to describe, but every night he felt as if someone had carved him out like some sort of meat after being butchered. He couldn’t feel anything except emptiness. It was like it consumed him, like the loneliness was trying to claw its way out of him. He always felt guilty when he woke up, because he had John. John was his soulmate. John wouldn’t leave him like everyone else had. 

   However, there was always a small voice nagging him talking about how he was dirty and tainted for dating other people before finding John. A voice nagging him saying that John would realize how broken Alexander really was. That John would kick Alexander out now or that, 20 years down the line, John would get tired of Alexander’s anxiety and how insecure he was and up and leave. It terrified Alexander to think that one day he would come home from work to an empty house without the warmth and light that John provided. That one day, John would leave just like everyone else had. Without a hint. Without a goodbye. That he would disappear suddenly and find someone better.

   Alexander quickly wiped at his eyes when he realized that he was crying slightly. It didn’t matter because John was here now, and John wouldn’t leave because they were soulmates. They were meant to be. Someone, or something, out there believed that they were right for each other. With that, Alexander walked back into the apartment complex with a determined look. He grabbed the key that John had given him a few days ago and swung it around his finger as he walked up to John’s flat. He could hear music booming from someone on their floor and smiled. As he approached John’s door, he could tell that it was coming from there and smiled. He quietly unlocked the door and saw John dancing to some country song that Alexander had never heard before. 

   He stealthily set his stuff down and took off his shoes, not taking an eye off of John’s swinging hips. He crept up behind John and rested his hands lightly on John’s hips and they swung. John jumped away and swung around to face Alex. Alexander smirked and pulled John closer by his belt loops and John wrapped his arms around Alexander's waist. They smiled and laughed as they danced around the kitchen together. The song moved to a more lively song and Alexander smiled, forgetting his loneliness, as John sang loudly along with the music. They were jumping around in the kitchen, probably royally pissing off the neighbors downstairs, as John sang along with the chorus.

   “C-O-M-E come on I WANNA SEE YOU-” John screamed loudly, pointing at Alexander. Alexander smiled as John pulled him closer into a waltz hold and whispered the last few lines in his ear.

   “Who was that?” Alexander asked quietly to John. John stepped back.

   “You don’t know Luke Bryan?” John said, raising an eyebrow. Alexander smiled and shrugged. John rolled his eyes and smiled.

   “I just don't understand you,” John said, pulling Alexander back into him. Alexander laughed. The next song was slower and Alexander just melted into John’s arms. 

   “You aren’t from here, are you?” Alexander said quietly. John laughed quietly and shook his head. Alexander nodded and they kept dancing. Alexander rested his head on John’s shoulder and just let John lead him wherever he wanted. He would go to Mars for the man. 

   Abruptly, John stopped and Alexander looked up worriedly. He stepped back and John fished around in his pocket and pulled out his phone. John’s face paled as he turned away from Alexander. Alex quickly turned off the stereo and glanced worriedly towards John.

   “Hey. Is everything alright?” Alexander said. John looked up, eyes wide.

   “I’m sorry. I’ve got to take this,” John said, walking quickly to his room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI FRIEND!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this! I am going to try REALLY REALLY HARD to update quickly because it is KILLING ME not having you guys have this!
> 
> If you have any guesses as to who is on the other line/what will happen next COMMENT IT BELOW!!!
> 
> Please leave comment and kudos! They really make my day!!
> 
> Love you!!!!!!!!


	15. Oh How the Turntables

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John needs to make a decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello~
> 
> Yes, I know that it has been 2 months. There is no excuse for it. I am so sorry. However, I FINALLY finished this chapter and I am almost done with the next one. I have planned out the next few chapters so HOPEFULLY *fingers crossed* I will have them out for you all soon!
> 
> Enjoy this chapter! Sorry that it is so short :(

    *JOHN’S POV*

   “Yeah. I’ll try to come down this winter,” John said, sighing. He nodded as the voice on the other end of the phone droned on. 

   “Yeah. Talk to you later dad,” John said hastily. He could feel his throat closing up and he needed to get off of the phone. He heard his father hang up and he threw his phone onto his bed. He took in a shaky breath and then let it out. He breathed in a few more times before he decided that he should go see Alexander. He walked out of the room and was surprised, but also relieved, that Alexander wasn't right there. He walked into the kitchen and saw Alexander sitting on a bar stool, reading something on his phone. John smiled. He looked so peaceful there, like they had been living together since the beginning of time. He walked around the stand behind Alex, but was left unnoticed because Alexander was so engrossed in his book.

   “Hey there,” John said, wrapping his arms around Alexander and resting his cheek on Alexander’s head.

   “Hey,” Alexander said quietly. “Macaroni is done if you want any.” John tried to smile and moved to get the plates out of the cupboard. He could feel Alexander’s eyes burning on his back, but John elected to ignore it. He grabbed a plate and served himself, but he couldn’t bring himself to eat. He sat next to Alex and pushed the food around his plate. 

   “ _ Estás bien? _ ” Alexander said, look at John. John nodded, too exhausted to answer. He could tell that Alexander was suspicious of him, but John could tell that Alexander was standing back, unsure of what to do. Not pressing, which John was glad for. He was drained and tired and kind of just wanted to crawl into a hole and sleep for all of eternity. He could still feel Alexander's eyes on him and John couldn’t understand why Alexander cared so much. He also didn’t know how Alexander knew that something was wrong. 

   “I think I am going to go to bed,” John said quietly, not looking Alexander in the eyes. He quickly got up and put his food in the fridge, perhaps he would be hungry for it later. John felt a hand on his wrist and spun around. 

“You know you can talk to me, right?” Alexander said, gazing concerningly into John’s eyes. John nodded and forced a smile onto his face. Alexander pulled him into a hug and John slowly relaxed into it. He could feel Alexander’s steady breath against him and, for some reason, did not calm down. Instead, it was as if there were a fire burning between them and it was killing John. He sprang away from Alexander and backed away quickly. Alexander wore a hurt expression as John scampered away. 

   “I’m so sorry,” John kept whispering, even while he was alone in his room. He didn’t know who he was apologizing to. He felt like he was being crushed by some weight that was in the air. He could feel disappointment in the air as if it were oxygen. He threw his phone at the wall.

   “John? Honey? Are you okay?” John heard Alexander say quietly outside of the bedroom door. John didn’t know what to say. He wanted-no- _ needed _ to be alone. His father’s words rung in his head and John just wanted them out. He had spent years getting over the trauma and abuse that his father had done. He had gone to therapists, he had gone as far away from South Carolina as he could without leaving his friends. He had become better. He had dated men before he had met Alexander without any guilt. A small, strangled scream escaped John’s mouth. He then slammed a hand over his mouth, realizing that Alexander had probably just heard him. John waited for Alexander to come rushing in, half hoping that he wouldn't but also half hoping that Alexander would rush in and hold John and tell him that everything would be okay. 

   John sat there on his bed, in the dark, for what felt like hours. It was dark outside when Jon actually got up out of his bed. He walked aimlessly around his dark apartment for a while. The wonderful thing about being awake when everyone else was asleep was that there were no expectations, no consequences. It was just him and the quiet streets of Boston. 

   John walked around for some time contemplating his life as well as his future with Alexander. He thought that he loved him. He wasn’t really sure. He knew that he enjoyed Alexander’s company. He knew that. He could still see Alex and him cooking barefoot in the kitchen, dancing to some old song. He could see himself proposing to Alexander romantically. He could see them both, kids running around them laughing. However, for some reason, Henry’s words were in his head again. They buzzed around like mosquitoes do in the South, constantly there, constantly pestering. 

   By the time John made it back to the apartment, Alexander was no longer in the kitchen nor was he watching television. John tossed his jacket onto the coat rack that stood by the door and kicked off his shoes, throwing his keys into the bowl by the door. He went to his room and saw it empty. At first, he was relieved. He lay down, trying to get at least some sleep, but then realized how cold and empty his bed was. He wanted to crawl in with Alex. He wanted to feel the calming rhythm of his breath and the constant pressure of his arms around John’s waist. But he also wanted to run. Run far away from his apartment. Far away from everything.

   That night, John got little sleep. He knew he had to tell Alex. He just didn't know how to bring the conversation up. He didn't want to do it over the breakfast table, or when they were in any way happy. John knew that he had to make a decision, and he also knew that it would be the hardest decision of his life. THere was nobody that he could blame here. Nobody but himself. Alexander didn't cause the predicament that he was in. Only John did that. With that thought, John got out of bed early in the morning and took a shower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!
> 
> I hope that you enjoyed! PLease leave me comments on anythign you like, dislike, or what you think may happen next!
> 
> I want to thank you so much for being patient and supportive of me while I delt with school and writers block!
> 
> If you like my writing, read my other works that I have on here!!
> 
> Thank you!!!


	16. There Are Moments that the Words Don't Reach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander and John talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! 
> 
> It's another chapter! And in a reasonable time!!!!
> 
> YAY!!!!!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this one! The story is coming to a close soon and I just want you all to know how much I have appreciated you guys leaving comments and kudos!

    *ALEX POV*

 

   Alex knew that something was up with John. Ever since the phone call, something had been off. John had been distant at times but affectionate at other times. Alexander didn't want to question anything. He knew that many people did not want to talk about whatever was bothering them, himself included. However, on the occasions that the original John showed his face, Alexander fell more in love. It had only happened a couple of times since the phone call that had happened three or more weeks ago. The first time since the call had been at an aquarium that they had gone to together. They had been in the dolphin and whale exhibit and were watching the dolphins swim around and play. They had been downstairs in an area that seemed to be for mainly small children, but Alexander and John had just shrugged their shoulders and gone down to look at the majestic creatures.

   While they were standing in front of the beluga whales, John had stood behind him and wrapped his arms around Alexander’s waist, resting his chin on Alex’s head. They had stood there for a while, just gazing at the whales as they twisted and turned. In that moment, Alexander was content. He had everything that he had ever needed. He had John. He had a glimpse of what life could be like. 

   Of course, this had only lasted for a couple of hours. However, it was enough for Alexander to replay in his mind. They had danced in the kitchen together to terrible ‘80’s and ‘90’s music, without a care in the world. Then, almost like a ballerina in a jewelry box once she has turned enough, the old John was gone. He clammed up and every wall to ever have existed went up. Alexander had tried to coax out at least a little laughter, but nothing came out. 

   After the first couple of times that it had happened, Alexander began to get used to it. Sometimes, he would blame it on the fact that John had pulled an entire night shift. However, most of the time, Alexander blamed himself. He knew that there had to be something that John didn't like about him. Alexander knew that he was loud. He knew that he was abrasive. Alex tried hard to be a quiet, non-opinionated, non-abrasive, person. This, of course, did not go well and only lasted for a few hours. However, Alexander was trying to be what he thought that John wanted. He smiled more, talked less. He had tried to be more affectionate, but whenever he was, it would only last a few minutes before John seemed to snap back into his new and odd state, where he would pull his hand or arm away from Alexander and sometimes leave.

* * *

 

   At the current moment, Alexander was sitting on the couch, reading while John sat in an armchair looking over charts and writing down notes. While they may not have been as close as Alexander wanted, he was happy. John had made them both tea and they were simply keeping each other company. It would have been peaceful had it not been for the odd tension that was hanging in the air. Neither of them were mentioning it, but both could feel it. 

   Alexander got tired after a while and decided to turn in for the night. He stood up, unsure of whether or not to tell John. He glanced towards John and saw how engrossed he was in a chart, marking the photocopy up and jotting down notes about the patient. 

   “I think that I am going to head in for the night,” Alexander said quietly. John made an affirmative noise and nodded, not even looking up. Alexander sighed quietly and walked to his room that he had been staying in as of late. He changed into a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt that he had snagged from John’s room when he had been lonely. Alexander lay there for a while, staring at the ceiling until he heard a knock at the door.

   “Yes?” Alexander said quietly, unmoving. He hears John walk in and can feel him standing awkwardly by Alexander’s bed. Alexander moved over and John lay down. They lay face to face, just looking at each other. Alexander was taking John’s red-rimmed eyes and undereye circles, just as John was probably taking in Alexander’s large under-eye bags and cracked lips. 

   “Hey,” John said breathily.

   “Hey,” Alexander said back. They lay there for a little bit, just taking each other in. Finally, after what seemed like forever for Alexander, John wrapped his arm around Alexander’s waist and pulled him close. Alexander took a deep breath and sighed. He felt John relax around him and Alexander relaxed as well. Alexander felt John kiss his head and then felt John’s breathing slow and become steady.

* * *

 

   The next morning, Alexander woke to  a cold bed and an odd feeling of loneliness gnawing in his chest. He heard something going on outside of his room and rolled over to face his door, contemplating whether to get up and face the John that had been present most of the time. However, what worried Alex more was the possibility of last night being a dream. 

   Alexander finally decided to roll out of bed and quietly walked towards the kitchen where he could hear John quietly humming while cooking. Alexander leaned against the wall and just watched John. He had no idea what John was humming, but it was beautiful. Alexander ached to walk over to John and wrap his arms around his waist. However, Alexander chose to watch from afar instead, nervous that he may disrupt the peace that had fallen upon John. 

   “Food’s ready,” John said without turning around. Alexander nodded and sat down at the counter. They ate in silence and it was almost killing Alex. 

   “You’re wearing my sweatshirt,” John said, not looking at Alexander. Alexander’s breath caught in his throat and he swallowed.

   “Um...Yeah...Sorry. I can put it back,” Alex said quietly.

   “Don’t,” John said softly. Alexander cocked an eyebrow. 

   “What?” Alexander said, attempting to clarify.

   “Don’t,” John repeated. “It looks better on you.”

   “You sure?” Alexander said. John nodded. A small smile flashed on Alex’s face and then faded away. Perhaps today would be a good kind of day.

* * *

 

   They weren’t talking. Alexander didn’t know why, but they weren’t. He had tried, but the only response was a half-assed grunt or a curt nod. Every so often, he would glance over at John and hope that maybe he would get to see him smile at something in his book.

   An hour passed and Alexander was becoming restless. He didn’t know why John was angry at him, or if John were angry at him.

   “John?” Alexander said timidly.

   “Yes?” John said, not even looking up from his book. Alexander sighed.

   “Is something wrong? Did I do something?” Alexander said, looking at John’s face for any sign of emotion. He got none. All he got was a shrug.

   “Did something happen at the hospital?” Another shrug.

   “Did I do something wrong?” A headshake. Alexander sighed and went back to working on his computer.

* * *

 

   “I don’t think this is going to work,” Alexander heard from the couch about half an hour later. He looked at John with an eyebrow raised, as if daring him to say the statement again.

   “I’m sorry. What?” Alexander said.

   “This isn’t going to work,” John said, not looking up from his book. Alexander felt like he had been punched in the chest. So it had been what he had thought it was. He frantically searched back in his head thinking about what he could have done.

   “Did I do something wrong? Did I say something? I know that my mouth can get in the way. I know that I tend to voice my opinions much too much. DId I say something that offended you? Did I hurt you? Did I make things awkward between us? I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry. Please tell me what I need to do,” Alexander said, panicking. John shrugged and closed his book.

   “It’s just a feeling I have. I feel like this isn’t going to work,” John said. Alexander was shaking. This couldn’t be happening. They were soulmates. 

   “John. We’re soulmates. Of course it will work out,” Alexander said, almost as if he were trying to convince himself rather than convince John. John shook his head. Alexander could feel tears threatening to make an escape.

   “I just don’t think that we are right for each other,” John said, standing up and leaving. Alexander quickly got up from the chair.

   “Are you worried? Are you scared? Because I am too. People leave me and I am terrified of getting too attached. Are you worried about the relationship? Are you scared as well? We can work this out together. Just please John, please don't leave me,” Alexander pleaded. John continued to walk away. Alexander fell to his knees and wept as John shut the door to his room. Alexander leaned against the door, hoping that perhaps John would let him in again, both literally and metaphorically. However, Alexander got it now. He understood the distance that had arisen between them. 

   Alexander began to think of all of the times that he had screwed up. He remembered the time that he had been trying to joke around with John, but it had fallen flat. Could he have hurt John? Offended him? Perhaps so. Perhaps it was just that Alexander believed himself to be an overall unlikeable person. He was loud. He voice his opinions. He regularly got into political debates. Much of what he said was politically charged. He poked fun at people and it was honestly the way that he showed that he cared about people. Perhaps that is why John didn’t like him anymore. Perhaps this had been coming since he had surprised John at his own house. Perhaps it was just the fact that he was an awful human being in general.

   Alexander walked back to the room where he had been sleeping and started throwing things into his bag that he had brought and long forgotten about. He hurriedly shoved his clothes into his bag, frantically wiping tears from his face as if he were trying to protect himself from the embarrassment of being attached to someone. 

   After all of the years of people leaving him, one would have thought that he would have learned that being attached to someone only hurt him, never the other person. People would always leave him. Alexander knew that it was a problem, becoming too attached to people. He never thought that he would have to worry about becoming attached to his soulmate. His mother had always told him that meeting his soulmate would be the best day of his life and that, if he were lucky, spending the rest of his life with his soulmate would be the most amazing thing in his lifetime. Of course he would be unlucky enough to find a soulmate that didn’t love him back. It was just his luck.

   He threw his laptop in last and frantically searched for his keys. He hadn’t needed to use Eliza’s car much due to everything being quite close to John’s apartment. He stared at in, almost hoping that all of this was fake and that he had just happened to fall asleep working. However, the longer that he stared, the more real it felt. It was like a knife that was just sitting in his chest. It didn’t hurt until he moved the wrong way or started thinking about all of the times that he and John had together.

   Alex threw his bag into the backseat of the car and sat in the driver’s seat, resting his head on the steering wheel. He let the tears fall quietly as he looked up at John’s apartment. He put the car in reverse and drove out of the parking lot, wistfully looking back at John’s apartment and thinking about how nothing was ever going to be this perfect again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry man. I promise that it will get better. I promise I had to put these boys through some angst before they can go anywhere good. They're like geode, you know? Sometimes you have to break them to see what is really inside!
> 
> Please leave comments if you liked this, or if you hated it! Yell at me if you so choose! 
> 
> Hopefully I'll have another chapter out soon!!!


	17. I Have Destroyed Myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John thinks about what he has done and Lafayette is the worst (best?) friend ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!!!
> 
> I know that it has been a while, but to make up for it this chapter is over 6,000 words!!! YAY!!!!!
> 
>  
> 
> I hope you enjoy!!! Thank you for waiteing!!

    *JOHN POV*

 

   The moment that the words left his mouth, John immediately regretted them. He couldn’t look up. He already knew the hurt expression that Alexander was wearing on his face. But John needed to do this. It was for their own good.

   “I’m sorry. What?” he heard Alex say. John swallowed and repeated. Dear God, he needed to get out of here. He heard Alexander attempting to make sense of the bombshell that he had just dropped in the middle of his-no- _ their  _ living room. He could hear Alexander asking him questions, pleading with him, as he walked away. He heard Alexander tear himself down with every word. Second guess everything. John walked quickly to his room and shut the door, trying to hold back the tears that were burning in the back of his eyes. He wanted to either punch something, get drunk, or both. 

   He could hear Alexander packing up and he had half of a mind to go and make him stop. To tell him that he was being irrational. But then he remembered his father’s words and sat back down on his bed. He could hear Alex crying in the room next to him and all he wanted to do was eliminate both the physical barrier between them as well as the emotional blockade that John had artificially put up to protect himself as well as Alexander.

   He heard Alexander walk quickly towards the door and then pause. John hoped that he wouldn't leave. That perhaps that stubbornness that had annoyed so many others would come to benefit him. That maybe Alex would choose to stay just to spite John. Then he heard the door close.

* * *

 

   It was over. It was officially over. Alexander’s car was gone as well as every one of his belongings. The only thing that he had left in his haste had been an old zip up sweatshirt from some art museum that John had dragged Alexander to. It smelled like Alexander. Dark roast coffee, ink, cinnamon, and a hint of woodsmoke from when they had attended a bonfire in Wellesley. John held it close to him. He didn't want the imprints of Alexander to ever leave. His coffee was still sitting cold in the pot. Small post-it notes still were sparsely placed around the apartment to remind him to do everything from eat to print out a paper to quick rebuttals to the arguments that he and Jefferson had over twitter or over email. The intensity of Alexander’s handwriting was pressed upon the paper, as if Alexander were trying to draw blood. However, there was one post-it note on the fridge that hadn’t been there before.

_ I wish you the very best in all of your endeavours and the utmost happiness.  _

_ I love you. _

_ ~Alexander _

   John let out a shuddering breath. Unlike most of Alexander’s writing, it was short, but the meaning still came through. There was no bitterness. No hastiness. Just utmost sadness and devotion. Tears quietly fell again upon John’s face. He had ruined it. The one good thing in his life. The one thing that he never thought that he could ruin. And, unlike many of the other things that had gone wrong in his life, John only had himself to blame. He had iced Alexander out. He had said the words out of the blue. He had fallen upon his own sword and now he must feel the pain that he himself had caused, and damn did it hurt like hell.

   He pasted the post-it back where it had been and looked around. He had never noticed how much space Alexander had taken up, both physically as well as with simply his presence. The apartment was quiet without the tapping on keys that constantly had seemed to occupy their apartment. There were no more quiet whisperings of papers that Alexander was proofreading. There was more space on the couch, which John used to love, but now hated, It was a reminder that there was no Alexander to drape himself over John and disrupt his reading.

* * *

 

   That night, there was no Alexander to force him to stop reviewing his charts and to go to bed. There was no hair that was waiting to have his hands run through it. There was no light bickering over what television show to watch. It was just John. Part of him wished that Lafayette and Hercules were back to fill up the empty space in the apartment. However, a different part of him was glad that they were not here because they would just show John everything that he was missing out on with Alexander. Every stolen look. Every silent showdown. 

   John went to bed at the most ridiculous time, when his eyes would no longer stay open and his brain could no longer tell the difference from one chart to the next. He fell onto his bed that was colder than ever, in an apartment that was quieter than ever, and stared at the ceiling until his eyes gave up and forced him into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

 

   That morning, John awoke to the loud sound of a phone and waited, hoping that it was perhaps Alexander’s absurd alarm that went off every morning at 6 without fail no matter what day it was. John waited and, when the alarm turned off, smiled. Perhaps it had been just a bad dream. Perhaps it was something that his twisted brain had come up with. Then it started up again and John groaned. He looked at his clock and realized that it was not 6 am, but rather 7 am, which brought reality crashing down again. That meant that it was not an alarm, but rather a phone call. John could not imagine who it was, but he didn't care. He didn’t feel like speaking to anyone, either today or ever. He just wanted to wallow. 

   When the phone rang for the third time, John decided that it was probably, for one, most likely Lafayette, and if this were true, then it was probably best that he answer because Lafayette was never one to stop calling. 

   “Good morning Laf,” John said groggily. 

   “I’m sorry, did I wake you?” Lafayette said worriedly. John shrugged.

   “It’s fine. I should wake up anyway. I have stuff to do today,” John said, rolling over. 

   “I see. I should probably let you go then,” Lafayette said, a sort of sadness tinging his voice. 

   “No Laf. It’s fine. It’s only 7:00ish. I haven’t talked to you guys in so long. How’s France?” John asked politely. 

   “Meh. It’s France. Busy. Beautiful. Boring without you and Alexander,” Lafayette said. John heard shouting in the background and cracked a smile. It must have been Hercules.

   “Herc tells me to tell you that I am just being a ‘Debbie Downer’ and thsat ‘France is a fuck-ton of fun and next time you should come with and to bring your boyfriend with’” John laughed a little, but then a wave of sadness washed over him. He would have to tell them both that he had ended it with Alexander. That, he did not want to do. He heard commotion on the other side of the line and could only imagine what was going on.

   “Hey John. How are you my man?” he heard a gruff voice say. 

   “Hey Herc. I’m doing alright,” He said. Alright was perhaps not the best way to put it.

   “And how are things with Alexander? Have you guys...you know...” Herc said. John could almost hear the eyebrow wiggle. He sighed.

   “Um...Well...” John dragged off.

   “Oh my god. You guys totally did,” Hercules cheered. John shook his head. He could hear celebrating on the other line.

   “GUYS!” John practically screamed. The other line quieted down.

  “We broke up,” John said, almost too quietly to hear. It was like everything slowed as Hercules and Lafayette comprehended what John had just said. Then the world sped back up in a flurry of french and Hercules cursing Alexander for breaking his best friend’s heart. 

   “Guys. It wasn’t his fault. I did it. I broke it off,” John said, tears choking him. He heard whispers and then a shout in french and a response from far away.

   “We’re coming home on the next flight,” Lafayette’s thick french accent said. John shook his head.

   “No. No you are not. You are not coming home from your lovely trip in the city of love for me,” John said.

   “You are completely right John. We are not leaving our lovely vacation for you. We are leaving because we...uh...we are sick and tired of France. Isn’t that right Herc?” Lafayette said quickly. 

   “Absolutely. It is overrated and Boston is so much better and we miss our best friend who we haven't seen in forever and, due to this, we are coming back home,” Hercules said.

   “Guys. Don’t do this. You guys were enjoying yourselves. Stay. Don’t worry about me and my love life. Enjoy your own,” John said. 

   “John no. We have been spending time with each other enough, not that I don’t love spending time with you Laf, but you need us,” Hercules said calmly. John sighed. He could hear Lafayette typing in the background and he knew that he had lost. He could feel tears pricking at his eyes and he looked up, daring them to fall and throw off his pseudo-calmness. 

   “It’s settled John. We leave tonight our time and we will arrive tomorrow afternoonish,” Lafayette said.

   “Gilbert-”

   “John what have I said about calling me that,” Lafayette reprimanded. John rolled his eyes, a smile creeping its way up to his face. 

   “Lafayette. You really didn’t have to do this,” John said quietly.

   “Nonsense. Of course I did. My best friend needs my assistance,” Lafayette said. John sighed again. He seemed to be doing a lot of that lately. 

   “I can still thank you though,” John said, staring at the empty wall in front of him.

   “That is quite true. I am the best friend a man, or woman, could ever have,” Lafayette said, smugness seeping into his voice. 

   “Well don’t get too ahead of yourself there. I never said that,” John said, a smile cracking through his dry, chapped lips. 

   “Ah yes. But it was insinuated in your tone,” Lafayette said. John thought about how much his friends did for him and looked down sadly. He wasn't worthy of them at all. All he had ever done was force them away, tear them away from their families, as well as be a deadweight friend in general. 

   “I’ll see you guys when you get in,” John says, feeling the exhaustion of the conversation seeping into his bones, similar to the way that the cold winds of January seeped into one’s very core. 

    “We shall wait with bated breath my dear Laurens,” Lafayette said. John just nodded his head until he heard the beep that mean that the other line had hung up. John lay down on his bed and contemplated how this was going to go. He could always call Alexander. Tell him that it was all a mistake. That he had misspoke and that even though it had only been a little over 12 hours, he missed Alexander like crazy. Of course, he knew Alexander. Alexander waited for no one. Not that John had ever doubted Alex’s commitment to the relationship. It was just that Alexander was a storm. He was beautiful and mesmerizing, but if something were to happen, he could leave and become very dangerous, very quickly. He loved fiercely and left with the same amount of intensity.

   John, of course, knew what he needed to do in order to forget everything that he had done. He needed to get full-out, shit-faced drunk.

* * *

 

   He had cleaned the apartment all day, trying to see if perhaps he could scrub the memory of his mistake out of the apartment to no avail. At 6 o’clock he decided that he needed to get out. He searched through his closet and found the tightest pair of black jeans that flattered his ass wonderfully. He then found a button-down that complemented his hair and brought out his eyes. He was ready to go.

   John arrived at the club about 15 minutes later and was sitting at the bar with a drink in his hand, sipping as he watched people dance on the floor. One man in particular caught his eye. He wasn’t dancing with anyone, just with himself. He was smiling and dancing as if this were the last time he would ever be able to go to a club. John sat there, thinking about the past and how it would affect the future, for a while. He sipped his beer every so often to try to wash the memories out of his head.

   “You’re out,” John heard a voice say behind him. He swiveled around, staring the man in the face.

   “So it seems I am,” John said, looking at the empty glass in his hand and then back at the man in front of him. To his surprise, he noticed that the man was the same man that John had been watching dance.

   “Let me get you something,” the man said, waving the bartender over. They exchanged a few words and then the bartender walked off to get John his drink.

  “So, what is a handsome man like you doing in a place like this?” the dancing man said. John smiled.

   “Why is anyone here?” John said. The man nodded, smiling.

   “Do you have a soulmate?” he said. John thought for a second. He both did and did not have a soulmate. Due to this, he just shrugged. The man nodded.

   “Same,” he said as a drink was placed in front of them both.

   “Blue Moon? How did you know?” John said, looking at the bottle. The man gave him a look.

   “You were drinking it before it ran out,” the man said slowly. John looked down at the empty bottle in his hand and smiled. Handsome and observant.

* * *

   They shared a few drinks together as well as learned about each other. John learned that the man’s name was Francis and that he had recently moved to Boston from Georgetown, South Carolina. They had shared a very similar childhood growing up in conservative Georgia and shared similar memories of growing up on an old plantation.

   They danced together and continued to get to know each other as they slowly became more and more drunk. At one point in the night, Francis had asked John if he wanted to get out of the club. John nodded without thinking.

   They shared a cab to get to Francis’ house and began making out in the back. It had started out sweet and then moved to more aggressive with lip biting and teeth. They quickly made their way up to Francis’ door and JOhn kissed down Francis’ neck as he attempted to unlock the door.

   “John. I swear to god. If you continue to distract me like this, I will not be able to open the door,” Francis said breathily. John smiled, continuing to kiss down the back of Francis’ neck.

   “I’m sure you’ll manage,” John said between kisses. He felt Francis chuckle. The door opened and the two of them all but fell into the house. They made their way up to the bedroom, unbuttoning each other’s shirts and kissing each other everywhere. When they made it up to the bedroom, they fell onto the bed without breaking the kiss.

* * *

 

   John woke up in a daze. His memory of the past night was hazy. He felt warm, sweat-dried skin and looked to his left and saw a man sleeping there. He was more or less attractive. Cropped blond hair that was slightly log in the front so that it swept neatly over his forehead. He was tall. Taller than John. He would have been John’s type if it weren’t for Alexander. John frowned at the thought of Alexander. He knew what he did was wrong, but he also felt liberated. The man, Francis if he remembered correctly, rolled over and smiled at John.

   “You’re still here,” he said quietly. John nodded swallowing dryly.

   “Yeah. I suppose I am,” John said, not looking Francis in the eye.

   “You can leave. I won’t mind,” Francis said. John cracked a smile.

   “Are you kicking me out?” John said. Francis shook his head smiling. He did have a pretty smile, but it wasn’t Alex’s. Francis’ smile was filled with sugar. Alexander’s smile was filled with spice and sarcasm as well as genuine happiness.

   “You look like you want to leave but you either don’t know how or you don’t want to offend me,” Francis said, rolling over and sitting up. 

   “Yeah. I guess,” John said.

   “I’m making breakfast if you want anything before you leave,” Francis said, pulling on a pair of sweatpants. John nodded and got up. He slowly collected his clothing and put it on. As he walked out, he saw Francis cooking and singing.

   “You taking off?” Francis said without turning around.

   “Yeah. I think I will,” John said, looking down shamefully.

   “There’s no reason to be ashamed. I’m sure your girlfriend will understand experimentation,” Francis said. John cracked a smile sadly.

   “I’m actually single,” John said.

   “Then there is no reason to feel guilty. It’s a one night stand. I’m not expecting it to go anywhere. Neither should you,” Francis said, turning around to face John.

   “Thanks,” John said. Francis nodded.

   “You want anything on your way out?” Francis said. John shook his head.

   “I’m not hungry. Thank you though,” John said.

   “No problem. I think we exchanged numbers last night, so if you ever want to talk about whatever seems to be bothering you, shoot me a text,” Francis said. John smiled.

   “I will,” John said, walking out of the door.

* * *

 

    The proverbial ball hit John in the gut as soon as he got in the Uber that he had called. He felt sick. He had betrayed Alex, despite the fact that he and Alex had broken up. There was nothing he could do to reverse it. 

   He sat in the back of the car attempting to not cry as the driver pulled in front of John’s apartment complex. He thanked the driver as he got out and watched him drive away. After he couldn’t see the car anymore, John looked at the front of the complex. It looked like it was looming above him, mocking him for staying out all night. John sighed and opened the door.

* * *

 

   John walked in to his apartment, pleasantly surprised with the cleaning job that he had done the previous day. He dropped his almost dead phone on the table next to the door and took off his jacket, tossing onto the couch. He ran his fingers through his hair and  sighed. What had he done. He had slept with some guy at a club which wouldn’t have been uncommon when he was in his undergraduate years of college. But now? Now that he had a soulmate? It shouldn’t happen. He felt like he had cheated on Alexander. Betrayed him.

   He went into the bathroom and started taking off his clothes. He wanted to burn them. Burn away all memories of the past night. He wasn’t very hungover. He just had a slight headache. As he stepped in the shower, he could feel his father’s disappointment. He could almost feel his father’s piercing gaze and the abuses that had rolled of Henry’s tongue so easily. He could almost feel the intolerance of South Carolina that came with every barbecued rib.

_    Why can’t you just settle down with a nice woman Jacky? A representative from Virginia has a daughter about your age going to school at Harvard. I don’t know what for, she’s never going to find a husband if she continues this way. However, you should give her a call some time. _

   John started scrubbing his body as hard as he could, as if he could scrub the shame and disappointment from his body. God. Why could he not just find some girl that he could settle down with and get married to? He knew that women found him attractive, not to brag, because nurses and residents had all flirted with him until the news had spread that he was gay. He was flattered, but not at all interested. Perhaps if he had tried hard enough. Perhaps the whole soulmate thing was a mistake. Maybe he wasn’t really gay.

   John shook his head, trying to get the thoughts out of his head. He had spent years trying to be okay with his sexuality. He had spent years telling himself that one day he would get married to a beautiful man and they would have children and they would be happy and Henry Laurens would have no part in his life. That man had been Alex, and John had blown it. 

   He actually had had someone who would love him unconditionally, it was obvious. In every mannerism, Alex had showed John that he loved him, even if Alex didn’t know it yet. He had always made sure that John had something warm to eat, whether it be breakfast or dinner, when John came home from a long shift. After one of John’s overnight shifts, he had made John and omelet with bacon and hashbrowns. After one of his 7am to 7pm shifts, Alex had made sure that John had something that had protein as well as carbohydrates. Alex had loved John. He had never asked how a shift had gone. Alex had let John cry into his shoulder without even a reason. He had never asked about it. He had just rubbed John’s back. He had never said that it would be okay. He had just been there. How did John repay him? By becoming distant and breaking up with him. John couldn’t believe that he had done it. Alexander was already so broken inside. He already had the weight of an affair and breakup on his shoulders that he felt horrible about. He already had practically the weight of the world on his shoulders as a young lawyer in the spotlight and John had made everything worse.

   John stepped out of the shower red from the thorough scrubbing that he had just put himself though as well as emotionally exhausted. He had ruined someone beautiful. He had taken a gorgeous flower and lit it on fire without even thinking about it.

* * *

 

   The day passed without much excitement. Just an empty apartment with an empty person inside of it. He had hurt the man that he had loved, then gone out and slept with a man that he had never known. John felt like garbage, and he wasn’t talking about garbage from some small suburb in the Midwest. John was New York City garbage. He eventually fell asleep on the couch, tears marking his face and Alex’s contact information up on his phone. He had wanted to call Alex, but he couldn’t bring himself to. He didn’t want to hurt him anymore. He needed to stay away from the bomb site that he had just used. He needed to give Alex his space.

* * *

 

   John woke up at 6 in the morning out of habit and groaned. He was going to be alone again today until late at night when Laf and Herc came home. There was nothing left to clean. He had done it all yesterday. So, he decided to go for a run. He needed the exercise and he hoped that it would help him think.

   John grabbed a pair of shorts and a zip up sweatshirt and went out his door. He hit the sidewalk at a steady pace and started running down the street. It was therapeutic. He knew that the shock that would vibrate through his legs would be rhythmic. 

   It could be counted on.

  For a good 45 minutes to an hour John wasn’t thinking about anything. He was just putting one foot in front of the other. That was all that mattered. His mind was blank except for the focus of the burning in his lungs and his legs. He was finally at peace.

* * *

 

   This peace, of course did not last long enough. When John got home, nothing seemed to be unusual. However, as soon as he walked up to his apartment door, he knew something was off. He could hear voices in his apartment, and they weren’t unfamiliar voices. They were the voices of his two best friends, who were home early. He quietly stepped into the room, and then suddenly had all eyes on him. There was no more laughter and chatter. Just two pairs of eyes staring at him silently. John stared back. 

   It was Lafayette who had made the first move. He quickly walked over to John and pulled him into a hug. John stiffened. He wanted to push him away. Of course, John did not do that. He allowed Lafayette to hug him and find whatever comfort he could from the physical contact, which was not much. When Lafayette finally pulled away, John tried to keep his face as stony as possible.

   “You’re home early,” John said, glancing at his two best friends.

   “I told you that we would take the first flight back,” Lafayette said with a ribbon of concern running through the statement. His accent thicker that it had been when he had left. 

   “How soon was your flight?” John asked quietly. Laf shrugged.

   “Unimportant,” he said. John sighed.

  “Yes it is,” John said. Lafayette shrugged.

  “Nope,” he said as he pulled John to the couch. John twisted out of his grip.

  “I have to go take a shower,” John mumbled, walking away without even a glance towards his friends. He already knew what they looked like. Hercules looked stoic as always and Lafayette had that pity-filled puppy dog look on his face.

* * *

 

   After John got out of the shower and got dressed he decided to walk out into the living area and face his friends who, in their defense, were simply trying to help him. He knew that. He just didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to talk about the wounded look that Alexander had worn. He didn’t want to talk about the immense regret that had filled him the moment that the words had been forced out of him mouth by his father’s words. However, most of all, John didn't want to start crying. His father’s words were still so ingrained in him that he felt ashamed whenever he cried, as if he were less of a person. 

   He walked out anyway. He wore the sweatshirt that Alexander had left, attempting to find some sort of comfort before he was bombarded with questions. He took a deep breath and looked at himself in the mirror in his room. He could do this. He could answer all of Lafayette’s nosy questions. He could make sure that Alex stayed innocent and did not have an angry Frenchman and the 6’5”, ripped boyfriend of the said Frenchman banging down Alexander’s door. He could make sure that he was portrayed as the villain for taking his  father’s words to heart. John had a plan and, with that in mind, he walked out into the common area.

* * *

 

   It wasn’t what he had expected. He had expected to walk in and be bombarded with questions. INstead, he was greeted with Lafayette cooking and dancing with Hercules in the kitchen to whatever french song Laf was singing. John forced a smile and forced the memory of Alexander and him dancing in the kitchen before his dad had called. John was going to kiss him that day. John was going to but didn’t.

   John shook his head quickly, ridding himself of the memory, and smiled at the happy couple. This time, it was genuine. John leaned against the wall as he watched Lafayette throw his head back in laughter as Hercules picked him up. Lafayette wrapped his long legs around Hercules’ waist and kissed his forehead laughing. It looked like pure bliss. 

   “You two, I’d prefer to not have your saliva in my dinner,” John said jokingly. Hercules laughed while Lafayette turned bright red. John laughed and moved to go sit at the counter. 

   “Ah ah. No food for those who complain,” Lafayette said, waving a finger in John’s face. John just rolled his eyes and dodged Lafayette and sitting down in the stool. Lafayette sighed and mumbled something in French that John could not understand.

   “So, what is for dinner, other that the mixed saliva of you two,” John said, leaning on the counter. Hercules chuckled but quickly stopped after he was smacked by Lafayette, then it just became a shoulder shake when Laf wasn’t looking. 

   “It’s mac and cheese. My friend from France gave me a new recipe that I want to try,” Lafayette said, mixing what was on the stove.

   “What friend? Do I know them? Have I heard of them?” John said, moving to see if there were any snacks in the fridge.

   “I don’t think you know him, but I may have mentioned him. His name is Thomas,” Lafayette said. John nodded.

   “Cool. What does he do? Is he a chef or something?” John said, giving up on looking for food in the fridge and moving to the pantry to scavenge for more.

   “No. He is not a chef. He is a lawyer. He lives and works in New York-stop looking for food or else you’ll ruin your dinner- but works as a liaison between his firm and a firm in France that is run by his boss’ old military friend. They work on many international cases together. He’s a pretty cool guy,” Lafayette said. John looked at him sheepishly and slowly walked to the counter again.

   “I don’t know what Lafayette is going on about. This Jefferson guy was a total stuck-up. HIs was all like ‘oh Gilbert I am so sick of my job. Why can I not move to France? A small gremlin keeps bothering me despite the fact that he is on vacation.’ He sucked man. Totally a trust fund kid,” Hercules said, earning an eye roll and a light smack on the head with a spatula from his boyfriend. John almost rolled his eyes and then stopped. Small gremlin? On vacation? He knew that Alex was a lawyer, and he lived in New York. However, it could have been a really large coincidence. 

   “What firm does he work at?” John asked cautiously. Laf shrugged.

   “I don’t know. However I do know that his boss’ name is something like Washinger or something similar to that,” Lafayette said, scooping the mac and cheese from the pot and slamming it into the bowls that Lafayette’s mother had sent as a celebratory moving-in-to-their-first-apartment gift. It was really nice of her honestly.

   “How come you asked?” Hercules said, moving to sit by John.

   “Just wondering,” John said, looking down at the counter.

   “John,  _ mon ami,  _ you are never ‘just wondering’ when it comes to my friends. You don’t even know my friends outside of the ones that live here. Is this about  _ petite lon _ ?” Lafayette said, eyebrow wiggle included. John just rolled his eyes good naturedly and took his bowl of pasta. 

   “Somebody is hungry,” Hercules said, coming behind Lafayette and wrapping his arms around the man’s waist. JOhn rolled his eyes once more.

   “Somebody’s thirsty,” John said, looking Hercules right in the eyes. Lafayette blushed and shoved the bowl of pasta closer to John.

   “Eat you American idiot,” Lafayette said, shoving a spoonful of pasta into John’s mouth so that he couldn’t talk.

* * *

 

   Dinner had been good so far. No questions about Alex. There were only questions about France and stories about the lovely time that they had had together. They had gone to the Eiffel Tower and had placed a lock on the Eiffel Tower, despite the fact that it was illegal. Then of course came the big question.

   “So, what happened while we were gone?” Lafayette said, leaning on his forearms from across the counter. John just shrugged. HE didn’t know where to start. Did he start with the phone call? Did he start with when he dumped Alex? Did he start with when he had come home upset after a patient had died and Alexander didn’t ask anything and was just there for John?

   “Come on man. Just start from the why. Why did it end? Did Alexander do anything? DId he hurt you?” Hercules said, wrapping a large arm around John. John shook his head and tried to keep it together, he really did, but he just couldn’t. He started crying. It wasn’t full out gross sobbing though. It was the kind where the tears just rolled down his cheeks and he shook from the inside but made no noise. He felt two pairs of arms wrap around him and move him to the couch, sitting him down and letting hi curl up on one of their sides.

   “Was it him?” Lafayette said. They both knew that the “him” he was referring to was not Alexander. John just simply nodded and Lafayette brought him to his chest, running hands through his hair and smoothing it while whispering hushed phrases telling him that all was going to be okay.

* * *

 

   Much had changed from that night. JOhn had been mopey. He would go to the hospital, work, then come home and sleep. He didn’t talk to Lafayette or Hercules. He simply slept in Alexander’s room and tried to imagine that his Alex was there with him, his boy. After the second week on this cycle, Lafayette was done with the behavior. He understood why John was upset. John knew that he had made a mistake, but Lafayette was no longer allowing John to be mopey anymore. So, the next time that John had come home from his shift, Lafayette had refused to let John fall into the cycle again.

   “You know you shouldn’t feel sorry for yourself,” Lafayette said over his shoulder as he prepared dinner. John turned around.

   “I’m sorry. What did you just say?” John said tightly. Lafayette shrugged.

   “You have no right to feel sorry for yourself,” Lafayette said, turning to face John. John’s eyes narrowed.

   “You have no right to tell me what I can and cannot feel sorry for  Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette,” John said through gritted teeth.

   “Using full names now, aren’t we John Laurens,” Lafayette said, smirking slightly.

   “You have no idea what I have gone through. No idea. You found your soulmate who also happened to be your best friend. You guys fell in love and went to France. You know nothing. You have no idea how hurt I am,” John said, tears threatening to spill over.

   “You are correct. I do not have any idea. None at all. But you also have no idea about Alexander. You left him. Everyone that he has ever loved has left him. His father left him while he was young. His mother died when he was 12 when his mother died in his arms. He was shunned because his parents were not married. A hurricane destroyed his town and killed everyone that he had known when he was merely 17. His cousin committed suicide while he was taking care of Alexander. Alexander thought that it was his fault. Then, he was sent to America where he had no friends, no family. He had nothing. In fact, this kid’s ship burned down while he was on his way to New York. His best friend betrayed him and was constantly telling him to be someone that he is not. Then, to make matters worse, he was in the media spotlight while he cheated on his girlfriend. His whole community iced him out. Then, he found you. He thought that everything was going his way. And you pulled the rug out from under him. You destroyed that poor boy. You have no right to feel sorry for yourself when there is a scared man out there who thought that maybe, for once, his life was going in an upwards direction until you brutally killed that small piece of hope that was still in him. You have no right John Laurens to mope and feel sorry for yourself,” Lafayette said, breathing heavily at the end. John was crying.

   “I miss him so much,” John said brokenly. Lafayette nodded and pulled him into his arms.

   “I know. You need to go apologize to him. In person,” Lafayette said, smoothing John’s hair. John shook his head.

   “He wouldn’t want to see me,” John said dejectedly. Lafayette shrugged.

   “There is only one way to find out,” Lafayette said, looking in John’s eyes. John nodded, knowing exactly what Lafayette meant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!! I hope that you liked this chapter!!!!
> 
> Please comment on what you liked, or didn't like!!
> 
> If you want to yell at me/send me any fan art (please my dudes), come find me at holly-spell on tumblr!!!
> 
> Love you!!!!!


	18. Burn or Drown Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander goes home and faces the consequences of the break-up
> 
> TW: There is some mild depression feels in here, so if that makes you uncomfortable, simply read the end notes for a summary!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYS!!!
> 
> I'M FINALLY ALIVE AGAIN!!!
> 
> I want to thank you guys so, so, so, much. I did not deserve all of the love that was sent to me since I wrote my note. You guys honestly rock!!!
> 
> Please enjoy this!!

 

**ALEX POV**

   The drive home was miserable. Alex couldn’t even really remember it. The first half he knows was filled with numbness. He drove quietly back up to New York and refused to stop on the way. He hoped that he would crash. That some god above would take pity on all of the pain that they had put him through and would drive his car into a tree or something. Alexander couldn’t help but think of all of the ways that he had fucked up.

* * *

 

_    “I have an idea,” John said, landing on the couch next to Alexander. Alexander turned and leaned his back against the arm of the couch, pulling the sleeves of his sweater over his hands and resting his chin on them. _

_    “Alright. What is it?” Alexander said, smiling.  _

_    “I think we should go out today. Do something perhaps?” John said, a smile lurking on his face. Alexander raised his eyebrows. _

_    “Such as?” he said. _

_    “I have 2 tickets to the Museum of Fine Arts in this lovely city of Boston. Now, I know it is no Met, but I think it could be fun? We could grab lunch? Look at the artwork?” John said, looking at Alexander with hopeful eyes. _

_ “Sure. However, I hope you understand that I am an awful person to go to an art museum with. I complain that I don’t understand and I am not exactly known as quiet,” Alexander said, smiling. John grabbed his hand and pulled Alexander to his feet. _

_    “We are leaving in 10 minutes,” John said, pulling Alexander along.  _

_    “John! I’m not dressed!” Alexander exclaimed, laughing. John stopped and turned to look at Alexander. _

_    “Then I guess you will have to hurry up then,” John said with a wink. He then proceeded to shove Alexander into his room and slam the door. _

_    “See you in 10,” He called. Alexander hand smiled an put on a pair of black jeans with a simple black v-neck and a dark blue plaid button up over the shirt, which he left open. He opened the door and cleared his throat to alert John that he was ready. _

_    “Do I look art-hipsterish enough for you?” Alexander said. John smiled, _

_    “I guess it will do,” John said, throwing an arm around Alexander and smiling. _

_    “Ready?” Alexander said. _

_    “Ready.” John said, placing a kiss on Alexander’s head. Alexander blushed. _

_    “Do we really have to go to the art museum? I already have seen the most beautiful piece of artwork there is,” Alexander said with a slight pout. _

_    “Yes we do. Besides, you can’t know if something is the most beautiful unless you see all of the art in the world. Have you seen all of the art in the world?” John said. Alexander rolled his eyes. _

_    “I don’t need to. This piece of artwork is the most beautiful piece of artwork that has, and will ever, existed,” Alexander said. John nodded. _

_    “Who is it by? Monet? Picasso? Van Gogh? Pollock? Please tell me you aren't a Pollock fan. That guy sucks. It isn’t even real art. It took no talent,” John said. _

_    “No. It is not by any of those artists. I do not know the name of the artist. I just know that whoever they are, they must be the most amazing people in the world,” Alexander said with a sly smile. _

_    “What is the piece called? Where did you see it? Is it urban art? Street art? A mural?” John said, trying to guess what it could be. _

_    “Well, I saw this artwork here in Boston,” Alexander said, looking away. _

_    “So it is art that is not in a museum,” John said, satisfied. _

_    “You could say that,” Alexander said with a coy smile. _

_    “Can you bring me to it? After we go to the museum?” John asked, practically begging. _

_    “I don’t think that that is necessary,” Alexander said. _

_    “What does it look like. It is in colour?” John said. _

_    "The artwork is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Every time I see it, it makes me so happy. It is like there are fireworks going off,” Alexander said wistfully. John smiled. _

_    “Just tell me where it is. I won’t visit it. I won’t ever ask again. Please just tell me something,” John begged. _

_    “I don't necessarily understand it. It is confusing and had many different sides. But something about it makes me want to look at it for forever. Something about it makes me never want to leave,” Alexander said. _

_    “It sounds amazing. I wish you would share it with me,” John said sadly. _

_    “Trust me when I say that it is always with you. No matter what,” Alexander said, looking up at John’s face. God that face. Alexander could write poems to put Edna St. Vincent Millay to shame about that face and the man that came with it. _

_    “I see,” John said, looking away. Alexander knew that John didn’t understand. _

_    “The artwork is you John,” Alexander said. John looked Alexander in the eye. _

_    “Really?” John said. _

_     “Really,” Alexander said back. _

_    “That was awful of you. Seriously and truly terrible,” John said giggling. _

_    “Oh really. Well, I guess then I will have to stay home and wallow in how I have tortured the poor man in front of me,” Alexander said with a laugh. John grabbed his wrist. _

_    “I don’t think so. I think that this means that you simply  _ must _ go to the museum with me. You  _ must _ see other art,” John said in a terrible impression of a british accent, pulling Alexander out of the door with Alexander laughing behind him. _

* * *

 

   Alexander almost smiled at the memory. They had had a wonderful time that day. Alexander got to watch John in his natural habitat. He had held John’s hand that day as John pullet him from one painting to another, explaining the significance of certain colours. Alexander didn’t care about how certain blues in certain places represented depression due to lost love. He did, however, love to see John’s smile as well as watch his eyes light up whenever Alexander commented on something in a painting. 

   Alexander shook his head to clear the painful memory. He knew he had been whiny. It was true. He really didn’t like art museums. He didn’t understand them. But somehow, John had made the whole 6 hour length of time worth it. 

   However, all that was going through Alexander’s head was how he had screwed up. How he had complained when John had said he wanted to go. How he had dragged his heels when John had pulled Alexander towards the exhibit dedicated to Africa. How he had probably seemed bored when, in reality, he found the greek and roman exhibit fascinating. He thought of how John could do so much better than Alex. John could charm and date anyone. He was gorgeous. He was sweet. He saved children as a job for heaven’s sake. He didn’t ask when Alexander cried, he just held him. Alexander had let this man slip through his fingers. This man who was so patient and kind. A man who let children throw up on him and who dried their tears when their parents couldn’t. Alexander couldn't keep him.

   This, of course, was simply par for the course though. He was never enough, so it figured that he wouldn’t be enough for his soulmate. He was always a couple steps behind of Jefferson and Madison. He was always terrified that some new kid was going to come in and sweep his job out from underneath him. He was always disappointing his boss, Washington, by being opinionated when he knew he shouldn’t be. He had also disappointed the most prominent father-figure in his life when he had screwed up and then published his mess in a haze of three days without sleep.

   He had loved Eliza. He really had. She was sweet. Where Alexander was sharp, Eliza was soft. She had a smile that could light up a room. She had a smile that would put the angels of heaven to shame and a heart so pure and genuinely good that even Jesus himself was jealous. They had met at a cocktail party that Washington was expected to speak at. Alexander had struck up a conversation with Angelica, Eliza’s sister and they had hit it off perfectly. Alexander thought that this was a woman that he could definitely get together with and meet all sorts of people that would be good connections as well as have  woman who was an amazing form of intellectual company. This was because Angelica wasn’t stupid. She was far from it, in fact. However, as they were talking, a handsome man who was most likely 5 years older than Alexander had walked up and wrapped his arms around Angelica, kissing behind her ear. Angelica had introduced him to the man, John Church, and told him that he needed to meet a few more people.

   That was, of course, when Alexander had been introduced to Eliza. She had been beautiful and quite intelligent. She was much more quiet about her political stance and beliefs than Angelica had been, but Alexander quickly learned to never underestimate the middle Schuyler sister. She could manipulate someone into doing a task with a simple smile and a touch of the arm. She, of course, only used this when necessary, such as when she was drumming up donations and volunteers to the orphanage that she and her younger sister Margarita had founded together. 

   Alexander had missed her when he had screwed up and slept with Maria and then published it to the world, destroying his credibility and her public image. However it was not anywhere near as painful as this was. Alexander felt like everything had been torn out of him and he was empty. There were no tears because everything was gone. There were ragged edges where John had cut into him and pulled out every part of him.

* * *

 

   When Alexander finally arrived at his apartment, he was pretty sure that he was crying. However he wasn’t quite sure. It wasn't like how crying normally was. Normally, he wouldn't be able to breathe, like after his breakup after dating this journalist at the New York Times for 8 months before the journalist had decided that Alexander was not his type. After that breakup, Alexander couldn't breathe when he cried. He would try, but could never get any oxygen in. 

   However this was different. Alexander was numb. Nothing hurt and he wasn’t sure if he was even living in reality anymore. Everything felt like a dream, like it was fake and there were no consequences anymore. He felt almost as if he were watching a movie that was his life and had no control over what happened. He was trying to keep his head above the water when he really didn’t know whether or not he wanted to survive this. He was one step away from letting go all together and letting the loneliness consume him until he was passed out on his desk after pushing himself for days without much sleep. 

   “Hello?” Alexander heard a voice say softly. He would have flipped his shit if he hadn’t been so exhausted.

   “Please get out of my house. I don’t have anything here,” Alexander said, closing his eyes and rubbing his face. There was a soft laugh.

   “Trust me, I know,” the voice said, closer to Alexander this time. He opened his eyes and saw Eliza standing in front of him, head cocked and worry written all over her face. Alexander tried to smile, but it hurt too much.

   “Hey Eliza,” Alexander said as she wrapped her arms around him.

   “You didn’t call to tell me you would be home so soon,” Eliza said, squeezing Alexander.

   “I wasn’t sure myself,” Alexander said quietly. Eliza narrowed her eyes and Alexander could tell she wanted to know more, but he was simply not in the mood. He wanted to just sleep and hope he never wakes up.

   “Well, it’s good to have you back. The fridge is stocked and your plants didn’t die,” Eliza said, a sad smile upon her face.

   “Thanks Lizard,” Alexander said, a small smile pushing up the corners of his lips. Eliza nodded and quietly left the apartment. He was finally alone and this was what he wanted, right? He didn't want people in his apartment at this moment. However, now that Eliza had left, everything seemed so much quieter, so much darker. His apartment felt so much bigger and as if it were taunting Alexander with its dark maw.

  In that moment, Alexander walked to his room and laid on his bed, staring at the empty wall hoping and praying he could actually sleep tonight.

* * *

 

_    He was so close. Alexander could simply move himself a few inches and they would be touching. They were so close but it felt like a galaxy sat between them. Alexander tried to shout for him to come closer, but the man didn’t seem to hear. The man turned and walked away and Alexander tried to follow him, screaming to get his attention. He couldn’t move. He was stuck, screaming at this man to come back with tears streaming down his face. He watched the man walk away, feeling cold as the walls moved closer and people walked by, oblivious of his turmoil. _

* * *

 

   Alexander woke with a start, feeling more empty that he had when he had gone to bed. He reached blindly for his phone and opened it, disappointed to see zero missed calls or unread texts. His clock read 5:15am and Alex knew that there was no way that he was sleeping any more that night.

   He looked around for something to busy himself with, but found nothing. Eliza had cleaned his house while he was gone, his fridge was stocked and he had no work from his job because Washington had blacklisted him from the office while he was gone so he could “focus on this milestone of your life” or something like that. Whatever it was, it was ridiculous. 

   So, instead of working, Alexander paced. He didn't feel like eating. He couldn’t sleep. His hands itched to text John. He simply wanted to know if John was alright. He wanted to know if John hurt as much as Alexander did, because Alexander felt as if a fire was consuming him from the inside and Alexander simply wanted to give in. To let the fire consume him. To burn and burn until he was empty and had nothing left to give. He wanted something to physically hurt as badly as his was hurting emotionally. Alexander collapsed in a pile of tears, streaming down his face as he hoped that something would make this end.

* * *

   Alexander went to work for the first time since meeting John the day after his breakdown. Eliza had thought it was too soon, but Alexander didn't care. He was fueled by a new passion. To destroy. He wanted to get revenge on life itself and to hurts anyone who had hurt others. If this had to happen in a courtroom, then so be it. 

   He walked in, head held high, and sat at his desk. He looked at the small pile of paperwork and sighed. Something he could actually control.

   “Cornelia, please block off my day. I have lots of paperwork that I need to catch up on,” Alexander said.

   “Welcome back Mr. Hamilton. Consider it done,” Cornelia said, with almost a hint of a smile.

   “Cornelia, how many times must I tell you to call me Alexander?” Alexander said, rolling his eyes.

   “Whatever you say, Mr. Hamilton,” Cornelia said, laughing. Alexander nodded and got to work.

* * *

 

   Alexander heard a knock on his door midway through the door and sighed. He could have sworn that he had asked Cornelia to black out his day so that he could work. In fact, he knew that he had.

   “Hamilton. I know that you are in there. I can feel the stress coming through the 100 year old oak door,” Alexander heard.

   “Jefferson. No matter what you say, I am not letting you in,” Alexander said, resuming his work. He heard the door open.

   “Well, seeing that it is 6:45, I decided to let myself in because nobody can stop me,” Jefferson said. Alexander rolled his eyes.

   “Please just go home. I haven't even gotten the chance to look over the documents that you took over and most likely ruined,” Alexander said, not even looking up.

   “Ruined? I do believe that you mean improved. However, that is beside the point. I brought you food. Please eat, you haven’t left this office since 7:45 this morning and the whole office is walking on eggshells around you,” Jefferson said. Alexander didn't respond. He heard Jefferson walk out and sighed, deciding to perhaps go home and face the silence that was bound to surround him.

* * *

 

   Jefferson visiting him soon became a daily occurrence. Every day, around 6:45, Jefferson would barge into Alexander’s office and talk at him. At first, Jefferson would simply talk, leave a bag of food, and then leave. However, as the food bags piled up, Jefferson started to stay longer and longer. Alexander never talked, he simply worked as Jefferson’s voice droned on in the background. One night, though, something broke inside of Alexander. He broke his vow of silence and looked up. 

   “Do you have a soulmate?” Alexander interjected, breaking through some monotonous monologue about Thomas’ weekend.

   “Excuse me?” Thomas replied, sitting up and staring at Alexander.

   “You heard me. Do you have a soulmate?” Alexander repeated, slower this time. Jefferson took in a shaky breath and shrugged.

   “I like to believe I had one,” Jefferson said, quietly looking down at his hands, refusing to make eye contact with Alex. 

   “What do you mean,” Alexander said, calculating what could happen if this conversation went south. The solution he came to was to flee the country.

   “There was this girl in college. We dated for five years and neither of us switched bodies with anyone, each other or anything. I know it comes at different ages, but I was convinced that we were meant to be. I loved her. She loved me. We got engaged. I was starting my career as a lawyer. She was happy as a world politics journalist. We were happy, whether apart or together. Then, a few months after we got engaged, she was killed in some freak attack. She was killed when someone bombed a building in Syria. I never met anyone that I have connected with more. And, I have never switched with anyone since she was killed. I-” Thomas took in a shaky breathy, clearly attempting to settle his emotions. 

   “I like to believe she was my soulmate and I, in turn, was hers,” Thomas said, looking at the wall behind Alex. Alex nodded.

  “My soulmate doesn’t love me,” Alex said, closing the conversation by getting up and grabbing his coat and keys.

* * *

 

   Alexander and Thomas’ conversations continued for a week more or so, and Thomas began to worry. The food continued to pile up until it was thrown away, and Alexander seemed to be getting smaller with each passing day.

   “Alexander, are you eating,” Thomas said cautiously. Alexander shrugged.

   “Sure,” Alexander said, not looking up from the computer. 

   “Alexander, Eliza and I are worried about you,” Thomas said, shutting Alexander’s laptop with one hand.

   “Thomas, just because my office window blinds are closed doesn't mean that I don’t know that it is currently 12:30pm and that you are early,” Alexander said, glaring at Thomas. He heard a knock on the door.

   “Come in,” Alexander said, not releasing Thomas from his gaze.

   “Alexander, you need to leave,” Alexander heard the intruder say.

   “Eliza, I am fine. I am 24 years old. I can take care of myself,” Alexander said without even looking at her.

   “Well Alexander, I am 27, which means I am older, have more life experience, and I have more authority. You are leaving now and going home. You will eat and take care of yourself, or else Thomas and I will instead. Now get up,” Eliza said, so sternly it struck a small bit of fear in his heart.

   “Fine,” Alexander said coldly, getting up and walking out behind Thomas and Eliza.

* * *

 

   When they finally arrived at Alexander’s house, Eliza and Thomas were laughing with each other while Alexander felt drained. He walked in his house, threw his bag next to the door and went to his room to fall asleep. He refused to deal with these people in his house and was determined to sleep until they decided to leave.

* * *

 

   Alexander woke up and the bad news was that the uninvited guests had decided to stay. Alexandre trudged out wearing a long-sleeved knit shirt and Columbia sweatpants and slammed his body into his couch. 

   “We ordered pizza,” Thomas said, walking over and sitting by Alexander’s head. Alexander shrugged. Thomas turned on the television and played some boring documentary about medieval Europe and sat quietly. 

   “I’m sorry he left,” Thomas said quietly, hand in Alexander’s hair. Alexander sighed.

   “Me too,” Alexander said, eyes glued to the television. Alexander shifted and lay his head on Thomas’ lap.

* * *

 

   The night was possibly the best night Alexander had had since John had broken up with him. He and Eliza made fun of Thomas’ obsession with documentaries and Thomas and Alex had teamed up against Eliza in Parcheesi. Alex had not felt this good since he had left Boston. He laughed with Thomas about clients that they had both had who were obnoxious. Eliza had changed into a pair of leggings and an old high school boyfriend’s shirt that was fraying in multiple places while Thomas had changed into a pair of low riding sweatpants and a college hoodie. However, in this time, the pizza had still not come. 

   While waiting for the said pizza, Eliza and Thomas had decided to play strip poker and had conned Alexander into playing it as well, with the argument that if he were such a good lawyer, he would have no problem winning because he would have the best poker face. However, Eliza was killing both him and Thomas. Thomas was down to simply his sweatpants and underwear while Alexander was down to simply his shirt and his boxers. Of course, at this time, the doorbell rang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW Summary: Alexander goes home and Eliza greets him. He begins to work again, but is overall consumed with sadness bc his soulmate left him He begins conversing with T. Jefferson who tells him that he never found his soulmate, but believes his dead fiance was the one he was supposed to be with. As they converse more, TJ becomes more worried and TJ and Eliza force Alexander to leave work. Alexander wants them to leave, but if over-all won over when Alex, TJ, and Eliza joke around and have fun together. While in the middle of a game of strip poker, the doorbell rings.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed!!!
> 
> I hope to be back for good now, but honestly idk how often I will post (sorry) but I hope to post longer chapters for you all!!
> 
> ~Love you always and forever
> 
> (PS if you have any fan art or anything, please send it to me via my tumblr, holly-spell)


	19. Flashback City

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John goes to apologize to Alexander and proceeds to get lost in his own head on the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's up bitches!
> 
> I'm back and I am alive. 
> 
> Sorry for not updating for so long. I know. I suck. But this chapter is over 3000 words so? Forgive me?
> 
> Hit me up on my tumblr Holly-Spell if you hate me or love me or just to say hi!
> 
> Love you always!

***JOHN’S POV***

    It was cold and dark and John thought about turning back. He had no right to go back into Alexander’s life as some hero, rebuilding what he had already burned. He knew that. But there was a small part in John’s brain pleading with him to go to New York. That was the part that John decided to listen to. It was what he listened to when people had told him that he could never graduate early. It was the voice that helped him save children that no other thought could be saved.

* * *

 

_     It was just his mom and him. They had their weekly time that was just them where John could be whoever he wanted and hang out with his mother without the pressures of his father. His mother would typically let him run the night. At the young age of 8, John was already interested in art. Once a week, he and his mother would sit in front of the television and watch reruns of Bob Ross paint for an hour.  _

_     This was always the highlight of his week. After every show, John wanted to try and emulate the painting. It was never what he wanted. He never had the supplies. He had never asked for paint and a canvas, so he was stuck using markers and white printer paper.  _

_     John knew that Bob Ross would have been happy with simply the ability to create, but John felt cheated. Nevertheless, John’s mother was always proud of his creations. She would take them from him and marvel at them. John would beg that she put it onto the fridge, or show it to his father. She never did. _

_     Back then, John never understood why she would never show off his artwork. He always thought that she wasn’t proud of him. That she didn’t believe in him. So, John would try harder. He would steal his siblings’ coloured pencils. He would try to draw with his graphite pencils. Still not artwork on the fridge.  Now, John knew why. _

_     One night, John’s father came home early during the night when it was just supposed to be John and his mother. He found them on the couch, John sitting cross-legged with a bowl of popcorn in his lap and his mother sitting across from him knitting. His father took one look at the television and threw a fit.  _

_     His father had dragged John’s mother into his study and a small bit of fear struck John in the heart. He had seen his father upset, but never this angry. _

_     “I refuse to let my son become a fag,” John could hear his father yell. He could hear crying and John’s stomach turned. _

_     “It’s just artwork. It is harmless,” John’s mother wept. John could hear his father strike the wall. _

_     “He is my son. He is a Laurens, not a Ball. I refuse to let him become a fag because you are upset that you never got a daughter who loved you,” John heard his father say. John could feel tears prick his eyes. He loved the sense of calm that Bob Ross’ voice had over him and the fact that he could learn so much. _

_     John heard the door slam and saw his father storm out of the study and into John’s room. He tried to yell, but his voice was caught in his throat. He saw his father come out with a stack of papers that John had drawn or doodled on an threw them at John. _

_     “Burn them,” his father said, looming above John. John’s small 8 year old body was suddenly filled with rage. He looked right at his father and shook his head. His father sighed. _

_     “Fine. If you won’t, then I will,” His father said. John desperately tried to leave, but was rooted to the spot. He desperately tried to tell his legs to move, but couldn't muster up the courage.  _

_     He watched as his father tossed picture after picture into the fireplace as tears rolled down John’s face. He watched as his father tossed the last paper in, stand up, and dust of his pants almost as if he was starting a small fire to keep the house warm. _

_     After that incident, John and his mother never got a night alone. He and his mother drifted to the point where his mother became a ghost in her own home. _

* * *

 

    John shuddered. He could still feel the pain that watching his pictures burn inflicted. His still longed for his mother. He longed to feel her hands running through his hair like they did when his father wasn’t around. Like they did before John’s father had dragged him to a barber and had his long hair buzzed into a military cut. John remembered the barber asking if he wanted to donate his hair and, before the words could even leave John’s mouth, Henry decided for him. 

    That was what John had labelled the beginning. The beginning of being rejected by his father. The beginning of rejecting himself. The beginning of becoming the son that his father and mother would be proud of.

* * *

 

    John stared ahead at the long road. He felt a knot at the bottom of his stomach, but pressed on. He refused to let his father get into his head about this. 

    John had been happy. He had been so happy he had forgotten all about the horrors of his past. He had been so carefree, that he had begun planning for the future. Nothing extensive. Just daydreams of children and holidays and dancing in the kitchen. John had been so happy that he had begun drawing again. Under his bed lay a collection of drawing of Alexander as well as the small things that reminded John of him such as books, spilled ink, and an unkempt bed.

* * *

 

_     John had woken up later than usual. He had fallen asleep to Alexander’s typing gain and remained asleep far into the morning. However, this morning, he smelled something unusual. It almost smelled like breakfast was being made. _

_     This, of course, could not be true. Lafayette and Hercules were gone and Alex had gone to bed hours after John. So, John got up to investigate. What he found, shocked him. Alexander was standing at the stove, Laura Osnes’ jazz album playing, only in a thin white T-shirt and Columbia University sweatpants. John was apparently quiet enough to not disturb Alexander nd to go unnoticed.  _

_     John leaned against the doorframe, staring at Alexander. This was a different side of him that John had never seen. Alexander was normally a hurricane. He was always on the move, always moving quickly. But here, Alexander was subdued. He was humming along to whatever song was playing and dancing whenever he moved. _

_     John walked up to Alexander and wrapped his arms around his waist, resting his chin on the top of Alexander’s head. Alexander jumped, startled, but then melted into John’s touch. John rocked him back and forth slowly, savouring the moment to keep in his memory for all of eternity. _

_     “Good morning,” John said quietly in Alexander’s ear.  _

_     “Nice to see you too, Sleeping Beauty,” Alexander said, pushing the eggs around the pan. John smiled. It was possibly one of the few true smiles that John had had since college. He could feel his eyes crinkle and felt his chest expand. John could only describe it as the colour yellow. _

* * *

 

    John couldn’t help but feel hopeful. He had been happy with Alexander. They had been happy together. John wanted to be happy again. John  _ needed _ to be happy again. He missed Alexander with every fibre of his being. Alexander was a ghost that followed John wherever he went. John could feel him in the car. John felt him in the kitchen when he was making dinner. He felt him in the opposite room. 

    Every song that came onto the radio reminded John of Alexander. Every so often, he would turn to the passenger side seat, half expecting Alexander to be there, bopping along to whatever dumb song was on the current pop station. But every time he looked, he was greeted with an empty seat and the ghost of the memories that would forever haunt him until Alexander was back in his arms.

* * *

 

_     In middle school, his father had forced him to join football. John didn't like it at first. It was hard. It was exhausting. It, frankly, was John’s nightmare. While football was never his passion, he found that running was. So, with the help of his mother, he convinced his father to allow him to join the soccer team. _

_     John wasn’t just good at soccer. No. He was amazing. He quickly became the team’s best forward while also being the most versatile member of the team. Soccer combined everything that John loved. There was a certain art about soccer-a strategy. Everything was calculated and controlled. It was as much of a mind game as it was a physical game.  _

_     However, come freshman year of high school, not only was John in love with soccer, but also a team member. He knew that they both most likely both had soulmates, but John also didn't care. He wouldn't say that he loved Lawrence Belgrade, but they did get along well.  _

_     Both of their fathers were in politics and both of them were the forgotten children of their families. John felt like they just clicked. It wasn't that John wanted to kiss or do anything like that to this boy. He rather wanted to run his hands through his hair and feel safe in his arms. _

_     One day, after practice, Lawrence walked home with John and stayed over for a few hours. They behaved like young boys. They popped popcorn and threw it at each other, attempting to catch it in their mouths. Whenever they would miss, they would laugh hysterically. _

_     John would watch Lawrence laugh and felt warm inside. He liked making people happy. He leaned towards Lawrence while laughing, and fell onto his chest. Lawrence, to John’s surprise, didn’t move. He stayed there, laugh booming with John against his chest.  _

_     They had ended up falling asleep on the couch until Henry Laurens came home, ruining the peace as per usual. This time, it was with a rough arm pulling John up and throwing him across the room. John prayed that his father could keep his temper in check until Lawrence left. _

_     “Get out of my house,” John heard his father growl. John couldn't tell if it was to him or to Lawrence, but it didn't matter. He had failed, again. John could barely watch Lawrence hurriedly leave. He couldn’t hear whatever his father was saying to him. _

_     He couldn't hear anything when his teammates asked him what happened to Lawrence and why he had left their school. What could he say? That he was gay? That now, because of his own stupidity, a best friend was gone and his life of being carefree was gone. _

_     Later that month, John was set up with the JV captain of the cheerleading squad. His father had called her parents and most likely bullied them into letting their daughter date his son. Dating was uncommon, but still existed. Many parents of a certain status chose to ignore soulmates and marry their children off to a person of the same social status. It was unfortunate and led to a miserable relationship, but it happened often. _

_     Martha was a nice girl. Sweet. More or less smart. Funny. Head over heels for him. But she just wasn’t his type, mainly due to the fact that she was a woman, but also because she was undamaged. She was pure and kind and couldn’t understand his struggles. She wanted to, and John would never despise her for that. He simply could never be who she wanted him to be. She wanted champagne and pearls. White linen and the polo club. John wanted messy, real love. Fighting and coming back together because they couldn’t imagine not being together. It didn’t matter where they lived. John wanted something real. Martha wanted to be the same as the rest of the women that John had seen grow up around him. _

_     Their relationship lasted until the end of the first semester of Junior year when Martha broke up with him. She never chosen to move on from John’s disinterested gaze and walked into the arms of a boy who was sure to be a Harvard legacy admit. It was  sure to be the perfect 1950s romance. _

_     When she uttered the words with a smile, John could feel the heat of his father’s disappointment. He could feel the words that would hit him like a brick. He already felt like a failure, but this was an all-time low. _

* * *

 

    John was almost to New York. The signs were starting to crop up for exits and John felt a pit form. His head told him that this would be disastrous. His heart begged him to at least try. John needed to trust his heart. Just this once.

* * *

 

_     “What the fuck is that?” Alexander said quietly, almost as if he didn’t want  to disturb the artwork. John looked over at the statue Alexander was staring at. It was cold in the sculpture garden and Alexander was clearly shivering in the navy sweater that he had stolen from Lafayette’s closet. It wasn’t supposed to be, but clouds had rolled in, bringing their wind and lack of sun that Alexander thrived on. _

_     “Modern art,” John said. Alexander rolled his eyes and tried to walk away. _

_     “This was a bust. I already told you I have seen the most beautiful piece of art ever,” Alexander said, grabbing John’s hand and pulling him to the inside of the museum. _

_     “I don’t count Alexander. Now please, just look,” John said, a smile forming over his face. Alexander sighed and allowed John to pull him to another sculpture, _

_     “See. Isn’t it beautiful?” John said, placing Alexander in front of a modern sculpture and resting his hands of Alexander’s shoulders. _

_     “Nope,” Alexander said with a grin. John sighed and wrapped his arms around Alex’s waist. He felt the stares of others on him and slowly moved his hands off of Alexander. It was subtle, but Alexander had clearly noticed, based on the confused gaze that he shot John. _

    I won’t have a fag in my house _ ran through John’s thoughts. He took a deep breath and touched Alexander’s hand, effectively getting his attention. John motioned to him and watched Alexander amble closer to him. John couldn’t help but notice the way that Alexander’s loose hair fell into his face, creating an effortlessly disheveled look that John couldn't help but love.  _

_     While being so enamoured with Alexander, John didn't even notice that Alexander had stopped and was standing next to John. _

_     “Coming?” Alexander said, holding his hand out to John with a small smile. John nodded, taking the hand. It burned a bit and his father’s voice still whispered horrible words in his brain, but Alexander was there smiling at him and that was all that mattered. _

* * *

 

    John still had a photo from that day. He kept it near him almost always. It was a polaroid that John had taken with a cheap camera that they bought for fun. It had Alexander with his arms wrapped around John, hair blowing in his face, and looking at John laughing and John smiling at the camera. They both looked so happy.

    John had taken the picture in the sculpture garden quickly and without any warning. Alexander had protested and said that he looked messy. John thought he looked beautiful. 

    After Alexander had left, John had thrown the picture into a drawer so that he never had to see the happiness ever again. Looking at the photo caused him physical pain, almost as if the picture were carving out his organs one by one.

    However, when he started missing Alexander more and more, he would pull it out of the drawer. While the picture filled him with sadness, it was the type where he could feel a bit of warmth crawl in as well. He would remember how Alexander had clutched him like his life depended on it. He remembered how perfectly Alexander had fit in his side, almost as if he was created just to stay there forever.

    Now all John could think of was how he had ruined it before his father had even called. How he had never kissed Alexander. How he had never let him come close. How he had let his father get in the way of something so pure and perfect. John regretted every lost moment. Every day that he had worked the daytime shifts rather than the night. Every hour he had wasted. Every word that he had never said. 

    He was almost there now. He was beginning to hit the traffic commonly associated with the city. The sun was setting and he couldn’t help but wonder what Alexander was up to. If Alexander was as broken up inside as John was or whether he had cried for a while before finding a man who was 10 times the man that John was, not that it was hard. John hoped he was happy.

* * *

 

_     They had been dancing in the kitchen. Heb had almost kissed Alexander before his phone rang. The name displayed made his stomach drop. Alexander had said something, but it felt like John was underwater. _

_     “I-I have to take this,” he breathed out. He walked out of the room. Did he really want to take the call? No. Did he have to? Also probably not. He could hear Hercules chastising him. _

_     “Dude. You’re an adult now. You don’t have to answer shit from him,” he would say, laughter booming. And he would be right. _

_     “Hello?” His voice shook. He half-hoped that his father wouldn’t answer. _

_     “John. I hope you are doing well.” John stiffened at the icy voice. He felt as if he was 15 years old all over again. _

_     “Yes. I am well. And you?” John mechanically forced the words out of his mouth. He tried to listen to the words on the other end, but was barely able to hear his own words over the thoughts in his mind. He could tell that he was conversing with his father, but he couldn’t follow the sidestepping smalltalk. He knew that his father knew about Alexander and himself. He could hear the loathing in the tone of his father’s voice. It was the same tone that had nearly strangled him when Lawrence was all but run out of his house.  _

_     “So, I hear you have shacked up with a lawyer. And here I thought you were all about disappointing me.” John shivered.  _

_     “I guess you were wrong,” John said calmly, praying that this conversation would be over soon. _

_     “I don’t think so.” His father’s voice twisted. John smiled. He knew that his father couldn’t see it, but he hoped that his father would feel it and drop the conversation. _

_     “I’m an attending now,” John said, desperately trying to change the subject. _

_     “So I’ve heard.” John could see his father in the study. He was most likely leaning back in a leather chair. He might even have a glass of scotch in his hand. John could picture it perfectly and he didn't even want to. _

_     “I’ve also heard that this lawyer’s name is Alex?” Henry’s voice piqued with false intrigue. It was a game and John simply had to play along.  _

_     “Yes.” The response was curt and John regretted it immediately. _

_     “Funny. I didn’t think women could be successful lawyers, but I guess here we are. They say it is 2018 after all.” John could almost hear the scotch swirling in the glass. He knew it was his imagination, but he couldn’t help it. _

_     “That it is, father. That it is,” John said. It was a game of chess. Delicate and requiring technique and strategy that only one who had been playing for 20 years would have. _

_     “Well, then imagine my surprise when Congressman Van Ness corrected me. He said that this lawyer was the one and only  _ Alexander _ Hamilton. Not Alexandra as I had previously hoped.” John sat down in shock. Not even he could predict what would happen next. _

_     “I am sure,” John remarked, attempting to wrap up the conversation. _

_     “Yes. Well, when the esteemed congressman told me this information. I was truly shocked. I thought my son would have grown up and not defiled my name, but yet here we are. Is there anything you would like to say for yourself?” John nodded. His mouth dry.  _

_     “Is there anything you would like me to say father?” John could hear a dry laugh on the other end of the line. _

_     “Yes. You can start off by telling me that you will break it off with this Alexander person. Then tell me you are coming home and will marry the woman of my choosing. Of course, if these were not the words you were going to use, I am sure that Alexander will enjoy his license of law being revoked,” Henry’s cruel voice washed over John.  _

_     “I’m not sure what you would like me to say,” John’s voice rose. _

_     “Well, it turns out sexual assault allegations are fairly simple to come by when you know people who want to ruin a career,” Henry said cooly. Checkmate. _

_     “I am sure. I will follow your advice father. But I will not be returning home. I have too much of an established career here. I believe that I am in the running to be the head of pediatrics.” John shifted. _

_     “I’m sure that that is a fair compromise,” Henry mused. John had knocked over his king. Conceded.  _

_     “It was nice talking to you, sir. I will attempt to visit this winter” John said, accent almost slipping in.  _

_     “My pleasure.” John heard the empty tone after the call ended and stared at the wall. _

* * *

 

    John found the apartment complex fairly easily. It looked expensive. He parked in the visitor’s lot and looked at the building. He had everything he needed. Address. Apartment number. He just needed to walk in.

    He buzzed and was surprised how quickly Alexander accepted the request. Of course, John knew that it was quite the possibility that Alexander was expecting somebody, but John could hope. 

    He quickly found himself in front of Alexander’s apartment. His hand hovered over the door, ready to knock.

* * *

 

_     “Did I do something wrong?” John didn’t even look up from his book. It killed him to do this. It was as if somebody was stabbing him and letting him die slowly.  _

_     “No,” John answered blandly. He could feel Alexander’s gaze on him. He couldn’t do this anymore. Alexander deserved better than this.  _

_     John didn’t know how much time had passed since Alexander had asked him if he had done something wrong, but John needed to save Alexander. He needed to give him the chance to find a person who deserved him rather than some southern washup who had miraculously become a doctor.  _

_     “I don’t think this is going to work,” John said, finally putting down his book. He could hear Alexander pleading and he could hear himself being cold, but all he wanted to do was tell Alexander what had happened. _

_     He went to his room and listened to Alexander leave, numb to the world until he finally slept. _

* * *

 

    John could hear the happy chatter from within and debated walking away. However, almost as if a ghost were guiding it, John heard himself knock on the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was it worth the wait? Maybe. Probably not.
> 
> I am going to try to update at LEAST monthly this summer. But we will see if that happens.
> 
> Know that I love you forever!!!
> 
> Please comment bc it really makes me happy when I'm having a bad day!


	20. These Hands had to Let it Go Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ding dong-John's here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS EPISODE SPONSORED BY ALL OF TAYLOR SWIFT'S SAD SONGS
> 
> DING DONG IT'S ME AGAIN
> 
> Me? Updating within a month? wooaaahhhh wild
> 
> If you like it, please tell me in the comments bc I THRIVE on comments
> 
> (Seriously. I get so excited when AO3 emails me with your comments. It makes my day)
> 
> Enjoy babes!!!!

***ALEX’S POV***

    Alex pushed Thomas toward the door, inadvertently telling him to get up and get the pizza. 

    “I’m not wearing a shirt,” Thomas stated blandly. Alex shrugged and smiled. He listened to Eliza scrambling to grab Thomas’ shirt and hide it. Thomas rolled his eyes.

    “Whatever.” Thomas groaned as he stood up, shuffling over to the door. Alexander could hear the door creak open and heard Thomas converse with the pizza man-or woman. 

    “Do you think they’re cute?” Eliza said, giggling. Alex rolled his eyes.

    “You are bad Elizabeth Schuyler.” Alexander leaned his back against the wall, wine glass loosely held in his hand.

    “If only,” Eliza said wistfully before bursting into laughter. Alex joined in with her.

   “Jesus. What is taking him so long,” Alexander mumbled. Eliza shrugged, still laughing.

   “Maybe the pizza person  _ is _ cute and Thomas is trying to get their number.” Eliza raised her eyebrows suggestively. Alexander laughed.

    “I’m sure that is exactly what he is doing,” Alex said sarcastically. He shuffled the deck repeatedly, waiting for pizza.

    “Thomas! Are you done flirting? I’m starving,” Alex shouted.

    “You promised you would pay. Grab your wallet and get over here,” Thomas shouted back. Alex rolled his eyes. He didn’t remember promising to pay, but he also was 3 glasses of rosé in. He lifted himself off of the floor and rummaged around in his jacket. 

    “Here you go-” Alex stumbled into Thomas but trailed off when he saw who was at the door.

    “Thanks!” Alex heard Thomas’ chipper voice say, grabbing his wallet and walking away. Alex just stared dumbfounded at the man standing in the doorway.

    “Hey,” John said with a soft smile. It was all Alex could do to not kiss the man in front of him. Or deck him in the teeth. He wasn’t sure which called to him more.

    “Hey,” Alexander shakily said, not wanting to bare his emotions too quickly. He could feel his body shaking and was seriously regretting playing strip poker. He was exposed in front of John. He wasn’t sure which was worse. Being emotionally exposed or physically. 

    He knew he should invite John inside.  He knew that his adoptive mother would have smacked him upside the  head if he had  _ ever _ let someone sit outside of his door this long. He also knew that where John had grown up, not being let in would be a serious insult, so Alex was okay with not inviting him in.

    “Can I help you John?” Alexander said, exasperated. He couldn’t help but see that John looked nervous. He couldn’t help but feel guilty, like this was his fault. But it wasn’t. It was John’s. John was the one who had broken it off. Alex knew that. But, his body ached to be held again and to be touched in one non-sexual way. He ached for the time that John and he were dancing in the kitchen. The time when things were simple. Shiny. New. 

    “I’m sorry Alex,” John said, looking at his feet. It took every fiber in Alexander’s body to not reach out and grab John and to never let him go. But that was impossible. He had to let John go. He couldn’t get hurt like that again.

    “Me too,” Alexander said, closing the door. He could feel John pushing it back open and Alexander couldn’t make himself fight again. He could feel the familiar burn in his eyes when he was about to cry.  He couldn’t cry in front of John. If he cried, he might go back and he couldn’t hurt himself like that. He cleared his throat.

    “What is it John. I have company over,” Alexander said in a bored tone, maintaining eye contact even though it killed him to do so. John nodded.

    “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have driven you away. I’m sorry. My dad called. I freaked out. I’m so sorry. Please. I love you. Please talk to me,” John pleaded. Alexander forced a stony mask over his face and shrugged.

   “Is that it?” Alexander said, forcing his voice to stay neutral. John looked at him, pain in his eyes.

   “Please. Give me another chance? Please. Just-” John sighed. Alexander could hear the wetness in his voice. John reached out, almost as if to grab Alex’s hand, but then faltered.

   “I can’t. I can’t do that to myself,” Alexander said quietly, looking down at the change in hardwood to carpet in the doorway. He was done with being neutral.  He couldn’t do it in court. He couldn’t do it here. He couldn’t look John in the eye. He couldn’t risk crying right there. He felt a hand lift his chin and then he felt somebody kissing him.

    Salty tears mixed with the taste of wine. Alex’s brain went on overdrive. He didn’t know whether he wanted to hold John closer or push him away. This wasn’t supposed to be it. This wasn’t supposed to be how their first kiss went. There wasn’t supposed to be tears. There wasn’t supposed to be sadness. It should have been happy.

    Alexander shoved hard against John’s chest, pushing him away. He took a step back, anger boiling within him.

   “Alexander. Please. I’m sorry. I love you.” John looked down the hall, avoiding eye contact. Alex breathed heavily.

    “Sorry?” he said, eyes narrowing.

    “Yes. I am. Really truly,” John said, looking Alexander in the eyes this time. 

    “You can’t just come in here, apologize and expect everything to be okay. That isn’t how this works. You pulled the rug out from under me without batting an eye. And, you know what was worse? I was open to talking about it. I wanted to know what was wrong, even if it were about me. But no. Not even half an hour before the words came out of your mouth I asked you if I had done anything wrong. If everything was okay. If you wanted to talk about anything. No, instead you said everything was fine and then broke up with me 20 minutes later. Fuck you John Laurens. Fuck you.” Alexander slammed the door. 

    He didn’t even realize he was crying until he was to the point where he couldn’t breathe. He could see Thomas and Eliza lurking in the doorway, unsure of what to do. He then felt two people beside him. They were barely touching, but it meant everything. He finally had friends. He leaned his head on what he could only believe was Thomas’ shoulder and kept crying. He could hear them whispering over him, but he didn’t care enough to tune in to whatever they were saying.

    He heard a muffled female voice say something and then kiss the top of his head. He felt someone pick him up, and he curled into the person’s chest. He knew it was Jefferson. He didn’t know why he was being so nice to Alexander. He didn’t care. He felt himself being gently dropped onto his bed and could hear Thomas leaving. He couldn’t be alone. Not tonight. Possibly not ever again.

    “Please. Stay,” Alexander croaked. He knew Thomas was giving him a weird look. He didn’t care. He held onto Thomas’ hand until Thomas climbed into bed with him. He felt Thomas stay a respectable distance away until Alex pulled him closer. His face was in Thomas’ shoulder. Thomas’ arm slung around Alex’s waist. It made Alex start crying again.

    This wasn’t supposed to be Thomas. This was supposed to be John. Through thick and thin. No matter what.

    “Why doesn’t he love me?” Alex repeated into Thomas’ shoulder in between sobs and rattling breaths. He felt Thomas’ hand move up to his hair and attempt to run through it. It was calming, but he kept muttering the same five words. OVer and over. He was sure that his mouth would bleed from saying it so frequently. Soon, Alex could make out what Thomas was saying. After every “Why doesn’t he love me”, Thomas would repeat “I don’t know” over and over until Alexander interrupted him again. 

    They fell into that rhythm until both of them fell asleep. Alex crying and Thomas crying with him. Skin on skin. Head on chest. Hands in hair. Breathing erratic.

* * *

 

    The bed was cold when Alex woke up and his eyes were tired from crying the last night. It seemed hazy, almost as if it had all been a dream. Alexander knew it was real though. His eyes were puffy. His throat was scratchy. He was drained. He grabbed a clean pair of pants and  put them on.

    He could smell food, so he shuffled toward the kitchen. He saw Thomas there. He still wasn’t wearing a shirt and was wearing the same sweatpants as last night. His hair was in disarray and he looked as if he had recently had incredible sex. Alex knew he hadn’t though.

    Alexander was overcome with embarrassment. Thomas, a colleague that Alexander would never have willingly talked to had seen him at his weakest.

    “Morning Alex,” Thomas called over his shoulder. Alex slid onto the stool at the counter, not acknowledging Thomas.

    “Hungry?” Thomas said, lifting the pan in the process of cooking an omelette. Alexander shrugged. He wasn’t in the mood to eat. Or talk. Or do anything for that matter. 

    “Alex. Please. You have to eat something. I don’t care what.” Thomas places a cool hand on Alexander’s arm. 

    “I can’t,” Alex swallowed. It was true. He couldn’t find the energy to eat. It seemed like a lengthy process.

   “Okay,” Thomas said simply, turning back toward the pan. Alex tugged at the sleeve of the sweatshirt that had somehow made its way onto his body. He didn’t remember putting it on last night or this morning. But, then again, he didn’t remember much outside of crying.

    “You don’t have to do this,” he whispered, looking at his hands. Thomas shrugged as he flipped the omelette. He simply said he knew and shrugged. He didn’t leave. Didn’t get mad. No awkwardness.

    Alexander ended up eating half of a granola bar that Thomas shoved in front of him. It didn’t taste like anything, but he wasn’t mad.

* * *

 

    When Thomas left midway through the afternoon, Alexander felt marginally better. His eyes were still sore. He felt empty inside, like someone had carved out his organs. But, overall, he felt better. He had showered and changed his clothes. He felt like he had washed off the night. 

    The words, of course, were still embedded in his brain. His lips still felt the imprint of the kiss. The night would never be fully gone. But he felt clean enough to function, almost as if he were detoxing after a drug overdose. Which was the perfect analogy because John was his drug and Alexander needed to learn how to function without him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is UP littlemsterious???
> 
> You, my dear, guessed correctly! (Were you happy? Please say you were happy)
> 
> Y'all it might be a while before I update again bc I have NO idea how the HECK to do these last 2 chapters. I planned it but apparently chucked THAT out the window
> 
> So so so so much love!
> 
> ~HollySpell

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again!~
> 
> Thank you so much for reading the first chapter of my fic! I may be a bit erratic on updating due to the fact that I am a slave to my writer's brain!
> 
> Have a wonderful day!!


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